For those of you who don't know, I suffer from mental illness. I have two forms of social anxiety, I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Living life in my shoes is hard, as it is for everyone I assume. I'm just complicated. LOL. Even to myself. The aspect that these things seem most interfering is in my interpersonal relationships and in my relationship with myself. I have been with my husband for ten years now, but by no means do I dare call it successful. Not all my fault either, but a lot of the blame I will take. I can't believe he wants to stay. I'm almost always dying to get away from myself. My DBT skills are telling me I should be calling my therapist right now for a skills coaching call, but I hate that. I can't do it. I can't call. I can't ask for skills help. I can't admit to my therapist right now that I'm dying to behave parasuicidal. I also can't bring myself to act on parasuicidal urges either because I know those aren't healthy skills to use and I can't stand the thought of bringing even more shame to myself than I already have. There is no wining today's battle of which mental illness will rule the day. Today whatever illness wills my mind is the winner because I'm mentally tired and have no will to fight the battle today. Tomorrow is a new day that will hopefully bring me new emotions. Everyone else win your battles today and rejoice in accomplishments an feeling of being strong.
