berdie

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. It was a wonderful day, but because I am clinically crazy and mood changes with the weather I feel like dying today emotionally. I don't think I have greater purpose in this life other than to suffer. It seems to make the most sense to me. I can't have kids so I wasn't meant to be a mother. I am a terrible wife and no good at that, even he keeps me for reasons I just can't understand. If I wasn't meant to suffer than my life wouldnt routinely bring my face to face with it. Ive heard people say that god wouldnt give you more than you could handle. Well thats one of the biggest loads of shit ever. Most of my life is more than I or anyone in my life has been more than someone can handle. That's why most people leave me. Its too much too handle. I naturally expect everyone to leave me and sometimes secretly wish that those who stay wouldnt. I wouldnt stay with me. I cant blame anyone for leaving. I am bat shit crazy and dont always belong in society. Someday they will take me away to a quiet padded room. I know this is my future. I recently have been seeing a doctor for some very serious symptoms and it made me think at the time that I don't want to die anymore, I want to live. Where is that girl at today? I would like for her o come back, because now I don't care anymore again. Death is the only salvation from myself. From how I feel. From how I think and from all of the mental instability that is not in my control. I didn't ask to be fucked up. I didnt asked to be abused as a child. I didnt asked to be raped by people who were supposed to be people I could trust. I didnt ask to be assaulted by a stranger who proceeded to watch me after the police didnt do a damn thing. The weight becomes too much to carry. There is never a real light at the end of my tunnel. I just wish that those who love me didnt follow me down the tunnel because I will never find my way out. My life is hopeless. I hate myself. I cant love myself for who I am because who I am is a fucked up mess that is rarely in control despite how it may look to those on the outside. I want to keep everyone out so no one can get hurt. I am a mistake. I have been a mistake since conception, my mother told me so. Maybe she was right.