I know it has been a LONG time since I've posted anything on here. I've been dealing with some stuff & haven't much felt like sharing. so...here's a recap of what's been happening...
* I met a wonderful man in July of 2014 & I'm totally gaga for him & he seems pretty gaga for me too, and my "love life" could not be better. Shocking I know!
* Things with the exhus are still great. He is so supportive of me & always willing to give me a lil pep talk when i'm feeling like hating on myself. And the best co-parent I could ever hope for. We went on a family vacation together to Universal Studios Orlando last year & are planning on doing it again this June. When I was going through some shite back in 2012, he stood by me & had my back & was willing to defend me. I am so lucky. I now have 2 amazing men in my life & I am so grateful for them both.
* And now...the biggest thing I've been dealing with... the main reason I've been so MIA...
It has taken me 36 years to come to admit to myself that my mother is not a good person. To admit that she has been systematically emotionally abusing me my entire life, and it needs to stop. I'm 99.9999% sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Finding that out, & delving into the information out there was like a lightbulb going off. Suddenly my entire life made sense. I have been putting up boundaries with her for the past 4 years in the vain hope that she might change if I stood up for myself & said No more often. But she hasn't changed one bit. If anything she is steadily getting worse. So recently I decided that if she wont stop, i need to make it stop. So I am working up to cutting ties with her entirely. The only reason I associate with her at all is for Munchkin's sake. But now I am starting to realize that the more I cut her off, the more likely she is to start emotionally abusing my daughter. She might already be doing it. I'm actually somewhat sure she probably has. So... I think very soon I will end that as well. And then I will finally be 100% free & can start healing. Now there will be consequences. I'm sure she will write me out of my inheritance. So be it. My sanity & my daughter's well being is worth more. I'm absolutely sure that she will badmouth me to the family & they will believe every word she says, cuz they think she is lovely & have no idea what a monster she really is. Including my sister (well she might *know* but she is turning into a narcissist as well ...or she always has been, hard to say). So basically I will probably lose all the family i was born with. I used to say that leaving my exhus was the hardest decision i had to make. This might be tied with that. But I know, i know that this is what I have to do. There is no doubt in my mind (with my exhus i had shitloads of doubt) that this is the right thing to do.
I just need to grow a pair & do it.
I'm a work in progress, but at least I am finally making progress.
For once in my life, I have hope. Hope for a better future, a happy future. And belief that it IS possible for me & i do deserve it (that's the hardest part...feeling like i deserve to be happy...thanks mom!)
My resolution this year is not to work out more, or eat healthier, or sleep more, or clean more....
It is to claim my independence & freedom from abuse, from guilt, from HER. She is a cancer on my soul that needs to be eradicated once & for all.
