beqa

Although I would say the flipped version of the last one is my problem.
I need to learn to live as much as I love...and stop feeling guilty about it when i do...and stop "asking permission" to...

That might be my biggest problem right there. And Antichrist - you nailed it on the head a few days ago. I need to stop asking permission. The only person I need to justify myself & my actions to is ME. Its not that I worry too much what "others" think. It is more that I care too much what A person thinks. My mom...my ex-husband...and now...
*sigh*

I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone. I don't have to explain WHY i want to do something. I want to do it cuz I want to do it...and that is reason enough. Its not a statement about anything, or how I feel about someone else... I have to stop caring so much about hurting people at the expense of myself.

I need to love MYSELF more. I have a weird problem that I vehemently hate myself, and yet I also can be very vain. I know I am more intelligent than prob 80% of the planet. Yet despite that intelligence, I am very gullible & easily manipulated, particularly emotionally. I've been with lots of wonderful good men...who treated me like crap. Cuz I let them. I have such a huge fear of rejection & abandonment, i would stay in horrible relationships cuz it was better than being alone. So about every 3 mo or so I got dumped. I got so used to being dumped that I wouldn't waste time moping about it & immediately started dating again.
But the fear of being dumped again was so strong...

I need to stop living my life in fear. I need to be me, and if someone doesn't like it, fine. If they are gonna dump me over it, fine. I need to stop living in fear of being alone, of losing people.