bennybum

I've spent several years building up these defences to resist all depressive urges and temptations but in one night as it grew even darker they came crashing down in a single swoop. In hell and not remembering the way I came, there was only one thing for me to do, stay. Stay in the place that two years earlier I had managed to escape and thought I was free of.

Not a confidant in sight, I turned to my old source of comfort and took solace in the fact that one day I won't be as alone as I am at this point in my life. I would spell out all the reasons I have for saying that as well as why I think I am a terrific looser but that would only serve to expel more tears.

I know it's hard, in fact impossible, to try to predict where I'll be in ten, twenty, thirty years but for some reason I am sure I will still be alone, cowering before large crowds of people and still unable to operate throughout life in general. Every single part of my life is going wrong at the moment, every single part, it's worse than ever because I don't have anywhere, any particular area, that is still safe from implosion of the emotional variety. It's becoming a scarier because I don't have anywhere else to escape to.