The girl, the one, the love of my life, who after smashing me down with not just her declaration of not loving me but more in particular her actions which involved a best friend and my bed, is now back home with her parents in this country after a year away in Ireland. Last Saturday she knocked at my door and asked if I was here, well it hit me like a freight-train and splattered my mind and emotions across the extensive repair work I had done. I told my sister to tell her I was still at work. She left, but not before I caught a glimpse of her out of a window - she looked stunning, refreshing my fleeting memories - memories i would begin to regret, again.
Today a text message, it read: 'Ben I love you, have done for ages.' What the fuck do I say to that? I don't know if it's a wind up perpetrated by her or others with her phone and knowledge of our past. I was truly like a reindeer caught in the glare of headlights, holding my phone and rereading the text several times. I don't want reply and make a fool of myself but more importantly I don't want to reply and be hurt again. So like a coward, thinking she might phone me, I turned my phone off and it will remain turned off until I can formulate what I should say.
I don't think I could deal with that again. Just not strong enough for another dose, I do still love her and after receiving the message my feelings seem to have been revived once again.
Other things that made me suspicious about its validity: it was sent using a number more than a year old - she could've past her old phone and number to someone after replacing it with a new one. The were no kisses at the end of her text and it seemed very straight to the point - given our history I would expect a little more emotional or flustered language as well as maybe an apology for the way she chose to end my love and our friendship with my best friend in my bed, whilst I was asleep on the floor!
Not to mention if she had always loved me, why not say so when I declared it all those years ago.