benni

the cursor is blinking. hes there. now hes not. now hes there.

ive been staring at a blank window for a long time now, too long.

some things... some feelings are hard to put into words.

i fucked up making spaghetti tonight. who can fuck that up but me? it was ready for eatin... good eatin at that... but i dont have a... i cant spell it. that thing you use to separate the noodles from the water. a separation device, if you will. so i was using the lid of the pot to strain the water, and i slipped... all of my spaghetti ended up in my nasty sink and the steam burned my grippin' hand. i just stared at my noodles there, and like a robot refilled the pot and put it back on the stove.

stared at the burner while it reheated. contemplated what it might feel like to put my hand down on it... started thinking... how much water in the bathtub might drown me? how infinate are the ways i could die here in my little box, and no one would know...

when i was young i used to will the days away and now i wonder where they go, but its a vague notion... i exist, and thats all i do.

i have people i love, people i hate... just like all people do, but im an empty shell of a woman trying desperately to fit in so no one will know.

today on my way to work i saw a homeless man being loaded into an ambulance. i dont know if he was alive, or if he was dead... they were taking him from beneath an overpass. my first thought was to hope he was alright... my second was to wonder how much they would charge a jobless homeless man for a ride in an ambulance.

i arrived at work. a homeless man came and stood outside my driver side window and stared in at me, his nose a fraction of an inch from the glass. i sat terrified in my bubble not knowing what he wanted or why he was looking so hard... he eventually wandered away when another car pulled into the lot, and i jumped out as quickly as i could and grabbed my things... walking for the door he appeared out of nowhere and followed two steps behind me whispering, "you better watch out, you'd better be fucking careful..." getting louder and louder as i neared the door.

i escaped inside.

i existed.

i escaped home.

i exist.

my apartment is my room. how much harder can i look?

i love a girl who loves a boy who loves girls... i love a boy who loves something else first...

im in love with an idea that may never come back...

and so i wait.