benni

i mean, c'MON. im secretery of DEFENSE.



entities... im lost, tonight. the world feels like its spinning... which is technically true, i guess, but MY world feels like its spinning... in a nauseating sort of way.

i used to be so sure that there was nothing following me through my life with the exception of my shadow. my ever present silent twin... dark and unnoticed, not unlike me most days, but fearless and perfect. a perfect two dimensional me that was sometimes nine feet tall...

but always proportionate.

its not just me and my shadow anymore. ive certainly come to believe that... what entity follows me... this i dont know. the word god has always made me cringe, but what do you label something that is ever present and so much bigger than you?

god is just a word... a word that makes me shiver and makes my stomach turn, but that just seems so fitting for my spinning world.

to be lonely and know that youre not alone is a shitty feeling... a shittier feeling to wonder if im smothering, if im pushing away, if im that crazy girl that everyone watches until they're out of earshot, only to whisper amongst themselves behind cupped hands and closed doors...

i am that girl, that shy girl, that unsure girl... that wannabe girl, but that girl who's never enough... not smart enough, not pretty enough, not driven enough, not talented enough... the only thing i have that's exceptional is hindsight, and im willing to bet im not the only one who can claim that as my own.

give me an easy way to numb you out, that wont leave me crouched and hopeless...

right direction, wrong direction, monkey trap? just... let... go...

the trick is to keep breathing.