bellensebastian

the blissful early stages. ah. the anticipation. the butterflies in the stomach. the satisfaction of just *being near* the person. enjoy it, enjoy it!!!!! and if she's into it...go for it! life's too short (although at times feels long), and there's nothing worse than regret.

which reminds me of something that i thought was fucking hilarious: did you see "magnolia"? the scene where the old dude is on his death bed with cancer and talking about "the regret, oh the regret" and it's all cliche and stuff....and then he says, "This is so fucking boring." I LOVE THAT PART.

i suppose the key also is to not take things too seriously. let be.

it was so nice.

and it was all friends.

we slept in the same bed and cuddled as two people who get it yet are comprehending the idea that we are both enigmatic right now.

i am unsure if it is emotional unavailability between two completely comfortable people or whether it is just two people hanging out.

still. i do recognize i have a crush on her. i do recognize that i look up to her in so many ways. and i am respectful of her, so it was nice to just hold someone all night.

this being said. no kissing. no anything. i have not shaved for over a week, so i am building a hair-barrier of prickly fencing around my mouth. this way i do not have to deal with sexy things.

yes, i am following the lead of israel and building a security barrier to protect myself from getting over my head.

and yet damn. she is so damn good. i wish i could hug her all day. and this is me talking. the sleazebag who seems to have turned around.

too bad it was all nearly ruined by my stupid ex and her freaking baggage that she has imposed upon me. i have been taken advantage of because i am nice. now it is time to cut the strings on her. she can pay for her own university shit. she can earn her own way. it is sad because first and foremost she was a friend. yet she has taken a new path. and i have to respect her choice by being cold to her.