bellensebastian

so alright.

it seems like the compass of internal heart and opinion is shifting.

i have been treating my emotions so harshly. they are there, and i am passionate, yet i have brutalized myself constantly.

i have been caught treating dating like a sport. i had nobody to compete with but myself, and through the conversation of an old friend with wise eyes, i have seeen some things.

i have been a pretty lonely person who is entirely not lonely. as the song goes, i have been looking for love in all of the wrong places. i do not have the hat to match the tune, yet i comprehend. ending up in the sack with a bunch of people is really unsatisfying. some people say that i should be very joyous to be settling into that type of thing because i am having what they want, but their goals and whatever shit is driving them is not my own to have. i want romance and i want to fall in love. i want that natural connection.

and i want to realize that it will all come with time. it will evolve on its own. up until i had this thought cross my cranial pan, that little trip from lobe to lobe and the wiring of synaptic gaps, i had thought that i could find it and i know that if it is meant to be, it will just happen. i sound needy, but it is just that i have been accepting the attention of any girl that puts herself in front of me with doe eyes. that is not love. that is just settling into lust and fucking. when i say fucking in that context, it sounds so fucking fucked. fuck. can i use any explative more to end a paragraph or a diatribe? fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCKfuck