bellensebastian

So.. while the oven is warming and while I am contemplating how I will tackle dinner.. fish, a salad, I will have to make some salad dressing, some broiled yam.. and something else.. I shall steer the truck of emotions back towards ex girlfriends.

First, I must acknowledge that I need a fucking hobby that is so engrossing that I am not going to be thinking of girls.. and then maybe I shall allow myself to subconsciously heal.

So ex ex girlfriend and I have finally spoken. It was entirely fucked. We spoke in prose and poetry which is not unusual for me, yet it was unusual to feel that easy sliding communication.. like we are already communicating.. which maybe we have been. All of those years together.. and all of those years living together.. I am sure that we share many similar features of lexiconical symmetry.. and she sounded scared of what is going on in her life. I am no superhero.. but if I can give her a place to talk and feel good, then maybe I can be a friend to her. I have to respect her boundaries whatever those may be.. but to see her might give me closure that I really never had. Do you ever fall out of love? I could never get back into that position again with regards to her heart though. That would be all to weird. I just know she is in a tough spot and I want to help. So yes.. we talked and agreed to meet over tea and share how old we have gotten in those years.

And then the ex girlfriend called.. and called.. which spurred me to cry and to email her letters of encouragement and support. She is having a tough spot too. Do I have too much baggage? All of these people that need help? She is getting screwed-over by some dork who rented her room while she is away on a work term. I would like to go and make sure this bloke pays up but I do not think again that it is my place. Her and I recently went out, and she looked so beautiful, and when she spoke I found myself falling in love again. I was getting lost in my feelings and emotions.. and so I had to leave.. and I feel like I need major distance and to hide from her because she has a power over me that nobody ever had (since the last g/f that is). I am the biggest emotional suck the world has ever known. My girl friends tell me that I am a heart waiting to get crushed and fucked. And now I know she needs help financially and with her personal infrastructure.. but I can't be the one to help... but none of her friends are sort of in a position to help in those ways. I have to pretend she is crack.. and I am an addict.. the closer I get to reaching to her.. the weaker I am and the stronger the grip. I fucking love her I think. I know it is normal.. but I want the spell to be broken.

And the girl that I have found for casual sex.. she has listened to all of this.. and she is tolerant.. and I am afraid she may start to have feelings beyond what I am capable of. I want to be her friend. I will pose nude for her art. I will be that buddy.. but no.. my heart can't take this.

What the fuck am I doing to myself. I need alone time.. but I need a friend that I can hold and love.. yet.. yet.. what the fuck FUCK! FUCKK!!