bellensebastian

>>winning this war is not the cause.. it is the fight that makes money..

can I kiss you ? it is so obvious yet so hard to explain !

thanx !

>>winning this war is not the cause.. it is the fight that makes money..

can I kiss you ? it is so obvious yet so hard to explain !

thanx !

( )

"stagnation sucks when it enshrouds those that we love, and love sucks when it protects those that we hold dear from the harsh light of reality."

yes. it is an incredibily difficult thing to see someone who has a lot of potential just spiral downward. this isn't the first time i've put myself in this situation, but i'm hoping it will be the last.

thanks for the journal response. i was checking out yer profile...scar tissue huh? i know all about that. (if indeed you don't mean scars from physical accidents.)

the aim of my life over the past 2 years has been to keep my head up and not fall into old patterns. then i meet someone i jive with and now this. it's really tempting in moments as such to just go out and say FUCK IT. FUCK IT ALL.

i am hoping a good drunk tonite will clear me out a bit.

he is coming home later this afternoon and he pretty much stated that we either work shit out today or it's done. so i sit here and wait. and smoke. and drink coffee. and think.

the thinking is the worst of it. i have resolved to not raise my voice and, if he begins verbal attacks as a defense mechanism (which is common), i will not fly off the handle. i am liquid. tranquil.

yer from toronto, eh? do you ever listen to the constantines? i like them.

anyway, nice to meet you, (sorta, i guess) and if ya don't mind, i'll add ya to my friend list since you were so very kind to take all that time to read my journal entry and respond with nice words.

time for another coffee and smoke. cheers.

in the weather industry, it would be called a "mixed-bag".

in the emotional industry, it would be called "fokked".

essentially i have too much of one thing that everyone considers luxury.. well lots of things that everyone would consider luxury.. and as is always the case with the fairy tales and with the romance movies.. there is that one thing that i want that i cannot buy nor can i find.

love.

and like you said earlier on.. having faith that it will happen one day is crap. especially when every whim is normally instantly gratified in this instant gratification system.

i really need a new hobby because love-finding is not as good as rock polishing and cage-fighting hahaha.

the kitchen is my vice and my stadium lately. my little ghetto kitchen where wonders happen. i don't have a kitchen table though because i always cook for one for the most part. even having the boys over to watch the Hockey Game allows me the chance to cook. the boys don't want to drink red wine and their eyes are not beautiful like a romantic girl ha.

how is LL treating you ha. me = fun but still ugh. it is hard to have that slow motion moment AFTEr you have chatted and emailed and known what is happening. less stomach butterflies and more like masturbation? that is not fair for a description! but for the moment it is as it is.

my new computer parts are on the way!!

i am now officially a computer internerd.

this internerd status means that anyone can see me when i am cam-whoring from home.

countdown is on.

my excitement stems from not even being able to edit a photo or upload stuff from my digital camera etc.

Thanks.

this all sounds good. logical. practical. but damn the fucking feels good when there's nothing else to be had. and how do you live on "someday" and "eventually" and all that shit? love the fuck word, but then you know that...

good words.

faith.

you gotta have faith.

if you build it, they will come.

and fucking is a broad word that has many uses.

i know i will be fine because i am a nice person with the right attributes. love has found me before, in the guise of beautiful intellegent girls. so it must be available again to me. it has to just happen.

KCUF

drunken cousins. HaHa!!

Take a hike through any mountains out west. It's a bit cold, but the clear, clean air should help.

As for the ex'es business, let it go. The only person losing here is you (by the sounds of it) and the quicker you cut the strings, the better. I'm not saying don't stay friends, but there's a line... a murky and hazy one, but it's there.

and yes. boredom indeed.

and a definite lack of interesting personas to swirl around on my tongue.

Oh my I am going to expire from boredom of the highest degree.

Please abruptly cease the rotation of this celestial body on it's axis and let me disembark.

Oh, no. Not boredom! That is so sad...but don't worry, it shall end soon.

In other news, you inspired me to put Belle & Sebastian on my favourites list...how could I forget about my lovelies?

alright.

so me and the TTC.

i do not ride the TTC. there never has been reason to. i have a bike, a car and legs.. immidiate, interim and long distances are all covered. and for everything else there are cabs right?

well i actually rode the TTC when my license was pulled for unpaid parking tickets and the like.

and now i want to take the bus and subway trains around the city. basically, i need lessons on TTC. how to ride it, and where to go. how to avoid eye contact with the local toughs and which bum sings the best song for a dollar. maybe something about disembarking without getting caught in the door and dragged to my demise.

there should be a handbook. and their website just plain blows.

i have broken my promise to myself and promised to go on a date on sunday. it is just a shopping date, but she seems really nice. i will refrain from the cheese behaviour though and hopefully we will not do anything rash nor would i want a rash. i think it would be nice to find a person in that very spot that would allow for constant dates. why do i fill up the missing times with different people. why not just one person? it is what i want but girls are now boys in that they just want what they want and then to move on. bless them for that. yet still..