beledi

ok, your questions - i'll get to tonight.

but a bit of an update...sort of explaining the reason for friday's breakdown.

In the past three months, I've been descending into the pit called 'I'm turning into my mother'. Thankfully, J decided to finally tell me. It felt like someone kicked me in the guts. Mental note: stop doing it.

Now, I do love my mother with all my heart. She's a very kind, very caring, very generous, strong and wonderful person. If those were the reasons that J said I was turning into her, I'd be flattered. However, as with all of us, she does have her faults. She worries far too much about many little things that she shouldn't stress out about and a lot of things that are beyond her control. She can't leave work at work. She lets annoying people get to her to the point that she complains about them constantly and just can't get past it. She gets upset about small, inconsequential things. She turns negative and pessimistic more often than not. Unfortunately, these were the things that I was doing that made it seem like I was turning into my mother. And it was driving J nuts. I'm happy he said something, instead of just kicking me out. I don't know how he put up with it...

So now, I have more work to do on me. Not that I can't do it. It's just going to be a challenge. I need to find a way to leave work at work, not bring it home with me and poison everything. I need to find a way to not let people bug me, or at least let them bug me and then get over it quickly. I need to find a way to look past the pile of dishes on the counter and not freak out about it.

And on top of all of that, I've been kind of depressed for the past few months, which really hasn't helped at all. It's made me lazy, lethargic, crabby, and I've lost the desire to do a lot of things. Fortunately, J mentioned that too (not that I've been lazy, but just that I haven't been acting like the girl he met and loves). Pretty big eye opener. So I've got some work to do. But it's ok. I went fishing this weekend with my dad, went shopping and dessert-eating with a really good friend of mine that I don't get to see nearly often enough on Sunday, and plan to hang out with another friend I haven't spent good time with for months and have plans to do stuff with my sister too. I can't keep sitting at home and doing nothing. It's getting ridiculous, it's making me worse off (and more depressed), and it's killing my relationship with J. So it's time for me to get off my ass and get back to being me. And it feels awfully good now that I've started it.

I came far too close to losing one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm not going to risk that again.

Much and for you all.