So I'm gonna be out and out honest. I don't like it. At all. The weeks of being alone, the constant temptation, the wandering thoughts, the counting down, the insane drive, the short times together, the looming goodbyes, the goodbye, the drive home and the start of a new cycle. Two/three days a month isn't enough... and even if it's every other weekend, back and forth or halfway in themiddle... it's effen obnoxious. I'm not ready to run, not ready to stay, lost in a fucking terrible confusion and depression that I can't think too straight... I want it and I don't. I want to be loved and I don't. I want to be able to love and I don't. I want it to be easy, dammit, and it's nowhere near. Why does he love me so goddamn much?? why am I fucking cold and incapable of loving back?? When, if ever, will I let myself move on and try to love anyone? I'm so easily swept off my feet, obsessed for days when someone new pays me a compliment that he's said a million times and I brush off as bf insanity. I fall in and out of girly crushes faster than anyone could keep them straight if they knew and it only tears me apart. I miss my gf like mad and wonder day to day whether or not she cares about me half as much as I love her. I wonder if this girl thing will ever go anywhere, if I'll end up w/ one someday or if the swinging will continue and I'll never be able to settle down b/c of it. I wonder if I messed up something huge and great long ago and will always compare everything in the now to the then. It all makes me want to cry myself into a coma... 