Nobody likes to wake up and find out they've become a cliche.
In movies they always say that deep down they knew all along, but I really didn't. If I were the type of person to imbue things with undeserved meaning (which, to be honest, I really am most of the time) I would say that I've been down lately because I did know on some level. But really I'm just prone to depression. And I know that doesn't make me an easy person to love.
But that doesn't really make it any easier to find out that the person you loved more than anything destroyed everything you thought you had and knew about your life. Or that his ex girlfriend helped him do it. Does it matter that it happened when we were having a lot of problems, and that he had already ended it before she oh so selflessly and helpfully decided to tell me? I don't know.
Most of yesterday I just felt numb, and I was stupid enough to convince myself that maybe I had gotten over it with an hour or two of grief. But today the pain is back full force. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It was exactly how someone described it. You wake up and for a split second your life is normal again. Then it all comes rushing back and you go through it all over again.
What hurts the most is thinking about the plans we made, things that I now have to face alone. The 4th of July. My friend's wedding. Our one year anniversary, which we were supposed to celebrate tomorrow, two weeks late.
I know it's pathetic, but I almost wish that she had just never told me. I certainly would never have figured it out. Maybe it would have never happened again. And I would be happy. Ignorance is bliss, right?
I don't really want sympathy, because it doesn't help and it doesn't make a difference. What I would really like is if you could answer something for me. Is it ever forgivable? Do people ever really change? Do you know anyone who has stayed and fixed it and not regretted it for an instant?
In movies they always say that deep down they knew all along, but I really didn't. If I were the type of person to imbue things with undeserved meaning (which, to be honest, I really am most of the time) I would say that I've been down lately because I did know on some level. But really I'm just prone to depression. And I know that doesn't make me an easy person to love.
But that doesn't really make it any easier to find out that the person you loved more than anything destroyed everything you thought you had and knew about your life. Or that his ex girlfriend helped him do it. Does it matter that it happened when we were having a lot of problems, and that he had already ended it before she oh so selflessly and helpfully decided to tell me? I don't know.
Most of yesterday I just felt numb, and I was stupid enough to convince myself that maybe I had gotten over it with an hour or two of grief. But today the pain is back full force. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It was exactly how someone described it. You wake up and for a split second your life is normal again. Then it all comes rushing back and you go through it all over again.
What hurts the most is thinking about the plans we made, things that I now have to face alone. The 4th of July. My friend's wedding. Our one year anniversary, which we were supposed to celebrate tomorrow, two weeks late.
I know it's pathetic, but I almost wish that she had just never told me. I certainly would never have figured it out. Maybe it would have never happened again. And I would be happy. Ignorance is bliss, right?
I don't really want sympathy, because it doesn't help and it doesn't make a difference. What I would really like is if you could answer something for me. Is it ever forgivable? Do people ever really change? Do you know anyone who has stayed and fixed it and not regretted it for an instant?
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
obd:
Your sister is, of course, correct. I'm sorry I couldn't get to Sactramento.
munke:
Marge is too smart for mere mortals.