I am in love.
With Christmas
Right now I have the best job in the world. Five days a week, I get to hang out with 22 cuties who still believe in Santa, elves and flying reindeer.
They are full of such shiny eyed optimism that it makes me feel like I'm a child again. That the only really bad thing that could happen is forgetting to put out cake and milk for Santa. That everything will always be ok, nobody will ever have to get hurt and that the right thing will always be the easy thing.
Of course, Santa isn't real and nothing is ever really ok.
My fiance and I are still broken up. This is a permanent thing and everybody is slowly coming to accept this fact but him. He is having some trouble letting go. I don't really know how to handle it either (never having broken up with anyone before).
I don't want to cut him off entirely because he is so broken and fragile but on the other hand it is not ok for him to call me or come over every time he is upset. I know that sounds so heartless but to be honest, after years of always putting his needs before mine, I'm just trying to make sure I'm alright.
And the truth, the hidden, shameful truth is that I haven't been this happy for a long time. Until the guilt begins anew. Guilt that I could feel this good when somebody I have loved and shared my life with is hurting so much.
Why can't the right thing ever be the easy thing?
In other news, I have been spending stupid amounts of money on second hand Stephen King paperbacks. It is somehow comforting to read the books I was reading when I was 15, 16. It makes me feel safe.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone.
Be happy and safe.
With Christmas
Right now I have the best job in the world. Five days a week, I get to hang out with 22 cuties who still believe in Santa, elves and flying reindeer.
They are full of such shiny eyed optimism that it makes me feel like I'm a child again. That the only really bad thing that could happen is forgetting to put out cake and milk for Santa. That everything will always be ok, nobody will ever have to get hurt and that the right thing will always be the easy thing.
Of course, Santa isn't real and nothing is ever really ok.
My fiance and I are still broken up. This is a permanent thing and everybody is slowly coming to accept this fact but him. He is having some trouble letting go. I don't really know how to handle it either (never having broken up with anyone before).
I don't want to cut him off entirely because he is so broken and fragile but on the other hand it is not ok for him to call me or come over every time he is upset. I know that sounds so heartless but to be honest, after years of always putting his needs before mine, I'm just trying to make sure I'm alright.
And the truth, the hidden, shameful truth is that I haven't been this happy for a long time. Until the guilt begins anew. Guilt that I could feel this good when somebody I have loved and shared my life with is hurting so much.
Why can't the right thing ever be the easy thing?
In other news, I have been spending stupid amounts of money on second hand Stephen King paperbacks. It is somehow comforting to read the books I was reading when I was 15, 16. It makes me feel safe.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone.
Be happy and safe.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
time will heal everything
How was your xmas/NY??? D'ya get up to much mischief?? Most of mine was spent working or hanging with my little guy.
Emily has been offered an awesome job and will be starting work mid-Jan so things will no doubt get hectic around here pretty soon.