bbbbbeckah

hi pretty lady

I'm not hating on Moms or anything.
I see her all the damn time.
She is just too busy to do anything.
I can't even ask her anything like
"who do you want to invite?"
Because she just says "who do you have?"
She knows I don't have a single person to invite. I almost slapped Ariel stupid the other day for cursing out Isaiah with every foul word in the book right in front of me, but when mom walked into the room she was all smiles and cuddles with him although he was crying. FUCK that bitch, I dont want her around me. Mom is trying to force me to be friends with her again just because 'I need a friend with kids.' And i'm down with it just being her gloria and angie rod's mom and grandma.
She talks like aunt becky and grandma and sams wife whatsherface like any of them are gonna show up. She just wants people there but doesnt want to gather addresses or send invitations. There isnt even a date because she keeps changing it. I don't even want anything to do with those people. It's the most trivial of things I agree wholeheartedly. I don't want strangers around me, I don't want church people around me. I dont even want to go to Rod's family baby shower. I'm fuckin stressed out, I havent felt Calvin move in 2 days, my dr said I am developing diabetes and have hypertension.. I was at the lab for 5 hours yesterday and have a black bruise the size of a lemon on both arms, ive been to the emergency room twice wasting my house payment money. and on top of all of that I feel like complete SHIT. AND I have in the back of my mind what happened to Kasey's sister and Pastor Jim's daughter. I know it's bad to stress out and worry, and things probably
will end up being okay for Calvin.
But it is still there... I am obese, smoked and drank like a fucking sailor with a baby inside me without knowing and smoked pot on a daily basis. Then I gotta read about how fucking terrible all of it is to do. And what effect it has on him and what effect it HAS had.... Ive never had a damn baby, I AM LOST. I am not prepared to have my stomach cut open. I'm not even prepared to bring him home and take care of him. I can't even take care of us. I'm just fucking scared,
and when people ask me how i'm doing and I might tear up when I tell them I am doing just dandy mom steps in and tells them i'm a big baby. So fuck it.