i feel like my heart is breaking in to a million pieces 
i knew something was wrong. lucas wasn't answering my phone calls, wasn't calling me back right away, i hadn't seen him since wednesday morning. i thought maybe i was just being paranoid. being my usual clingy self.
friday night he told me he'd call me on saturday. he never called. so i called him around 8. no answer. around 11, he texts me, do i want to pick him up, he's been drinking. i pick him up. his friends ryan and emily too. take everyone home. we get back to his place. "are we ok?" and he just looks at me. "i don't know"
*his words* i make him happier than anyone has ever made him, he's never felt this way about anyone before, i make him feel more confident than he ever has about himself. but he feels like our relationship is going nowhere. when we started out he was all "fuck yeah!" and excited. and now it's boring. we sat on the couch together, curled up in a ball, cuddling, i was bawling uncontrollably when i realised that he was crying TOO. i couldn't believe it. i was so pissed at him for that. i told him that i thought maybe he was just bored with now right now, it being winter break, not having anything big going on but work. maybe it was winter blues. maybe he was scared by feeling like this.
we finally just went to bed after a while. every little thing made me cry. i kept thinking this is the last time he'll hold me like this. this is the last time we'll make love. which immediately made me start crying. this is the last time i'll wake up and see his face. this is the last time he'll kiss me, or hold my hand, or stroke my hair or walk out of the apartment with me or make me breakfast.
everything makes me feel sick and i can't stop crying. the idea of ever being with anybody else that's not him ever again makes me want to die. and i know it'll go away and i'll get over it, but right now i don't want to. i just want lucas.
and i just keep thinking how obvious it is/was that he didn't want to do it. he seemed so upset last night and today. and i wish i knew what was going on in his head. i just keep thinking that in three or four weeks, he'll call me and say i made a horrible mistake, i need you back. but at the same time i have a feeling he won't. and that makes it even worse.
my apologies to anyone who actually read all of this...
update.....
i feel like i'm dying inside.
i knew something was wrong. lucas wasn't answering my phone calls, wasn't calling me back right away, i hadn't seen him since wednesday morning. i thought maybe i was just being paranoid. being my usual clingy self.
friday night he told me he'd call me on saturday. he never called. so i called him around 8. no answer. around 11, he texts me, do i want to pick him up, he's been drinking. i pick him up. his friends ryan and emily too. take everyone home. we get back to his place. "are we ok?" and he just looks at me. "i don't know"
*his words* i make him happier than anyone has ever made him, he's never felt this way about anyone before, i make him feel more confident than he ever has about himself. but he feels like our relationship is going nowhere. when we started out he was all "fuck yeah!" and excited. and now it's boring. we sat on the couch together, curled up in a ball, cuddling, i was bawling uncontrollably when i realised that he was crying TOO. i couldn't believe it. i was so pissed at him for that. i told him that i thought maybe he was just bored with now right now, it being winter break, not having anything big going on but work. maybe it was winter blues. maybe he was scared by feeling like this.
we finally just went to bed after a while. every little thing made me cry. i kept thinking this is the last time he'll hold me like this. this is the last time we'll make love. which immediately made me start crying. this is the last time i'll wake up and see his face. this is the last time he'll kiss me, or hold my hand, or stroke my hair or walk out of the apartment with me or make me breakfast.
everything makes me feel sick and i can't stop crying. the idea of ever being with anybody else that's not him ever again makes me want to die. and i know it'll go away and i'll get over it, but right now i don't want to. i just want lucas.
and i just keep thinking how obvious it is/was that he didn't want to do it. he seemed so upset last night and today. and i wish i knew what was going on in his head. i just keep thinking that in three or four weeks, he'll call me and say i made a horrible mistake, i need you back. but at the same time i have a feeling he won't. and that makes it even worse.
my apologies to anyone who actually read all of this...
update.....
i feel like i'm dying inside.
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So....how are you doing since then?