batteredink

I think I have too many things and people pulling on me at once. Why me? Why now? It's all so close, yet so far apart. I wish I knew the right answer and the right way. None of it is easy at all. It's all very hard. I thought I liked it that way, but not perfectly.

I wish I knew the right person to love. So many people are forcing their way in and out of my life, it confuses me. Very confused. And I don't want to be the one to choose. I guess I am waiting for someone to choose for me. That wouldn't work out very smooth, would it?

The most interesting person I've met (online) by far is Roshan. I can't say that he's the male version of me, because we are different, but in certain ways we're the same. Sometimes I think I could just look into his eyes or hear his voice and find the only part of the world that ever made sense. The only world I ever wanted to be a part of. But, who knows.. maybe he's just as fucked up and hurtful as the rest of the bastards.

The answer will come to me eventually.

I probably have the answer, I'm just afraid to make the jump. If you really really love someone, you have no insecurities about the future. My problem is that my future always looks bleak and undetermined. But life and the future is pretty important, so it's an important decision to make.

My other problem is that all of the people I ever fall in love with are miles away. Miles and miles away. So nothing ever seems as substantial and it won't be for quite some time. That is a little stressing to me. But I should just go with the flow as always and not think about it. It's becoming impossible though.

I'm talking to Robert again. It's shocking for him to come back and say he misses me and loves me all in one day. Actually, it was shocking until I heard his voice, and then it all made sense. I don't remember his voice being that much or that powerful, but it left this huge impression on me. Afterwards, I laid in bed, I suppose trying to imagine him there with me, possibly holding me and touching me. I didn't want to move for fear of losing that feeling. Other impurities in my life aside, I wish I was still laying there with that feeling, but I always have to come back to reality. My boring, empty life, with hope of rekindling lost love and love that's yet to come. Or, then again, maybe it won't. Maybe I'm setting myself up again. I always do. The potential outcome is always worth it though.

I do love him and I know if I could see him, nothing else would matter, and all those insecurities would fall away.