battalioness

I have hardly slept in over a week. By 'hardly slept' I mean about 18 hours max, whilst working full time and getting drunk and wasted every other moment. Nothing's working right and everything's a blur. I feel numb to each and every sensation, and my mind's in overdrive thinking and rethinking things beyond recognition.

I broke up with Andy. I need time to myself and to learn more about myself. I don't even know who I am at the moment, and I can't keep living on someone else's arm. I need independence, courage and self-sufficiency.

My parents are away at the moment. When they come back from holiday it's time to tell them I'm moving out as soon as funds permit. I'm looking at September/October time, hopefully. Glasgow centre (or as near to as possible) nice little one bedroom flat or a studio apartment for just me. I'll flat share if there is seriously no way of being able to get a one roomed apartment. Money will be tight and my social life will suck, but it'll be me.

Me and my uni work, trodging along and getting comfortable with each other. It's time to make some changes and progress onwards to 'adult life'. I need to be alone and I need to get myself mentally together.

How can I love another if I don't love myself?

Although I'm entirely numb and dizzy from sleep deprivation, I hurt. All over. My outer body aches like I've run a marathon and my inside body stings and I get sharp pains all over. My head, god my head. I've had a migrane for 8 days. It subsides and ebbs, coming on so strong I feel like taking a maschete to my brain.

I don't feel feelings any more. I don't feel happy, I just laugh. I don't feel sad, I just cry. The only opinions I have left are regarding stupid things and I can't make a decision to save myself. I mean, seriously. If I try to decided on an activity for me and someone else to do, we'd stand doing nothing. I can't even decide what to put on my iPod, and music's usually my curer. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time. I just stare into space whilst my mind is in overdrive. I loose the energy to speak, so I've almost stopped telling my closest friends what's going on in my life. I've lost the energy to do almost anything.

I sit completing remedial tasks repeatedly to keep myself occupied. My OCD-like tendencies have exploded out of nowhere. I get anxious if I can't wash my hands, spaces need to be kept clean and I'm turning into a freak.

I can't even feel guilt. Even when I do things that I KNOW I feel guilty about, there's no 'gut feeling' or butterflies in my stomach to remind me of it. I have no moral conscience at present, but hope it returns soon, because there's too much going on in my life for there to be such an important void.

I just wish I could sleep.

I need to be at peace with myself before I can, I think.