bairdduvessa

Arg I just wrote this amazing thing and accidently deleted it. So I am going to try again despite all the magic that is now gone.

anyway this will be long:

When you were little did you ever have that one person...that one person that no matter who you dated, it was this person you loved? Did you ever dream about being with them forever? Just you and them?

Let me tell you about mine.

About 10 years ago at a football game in Leominster (we were the visiting team-er marching band), freezing cold. I mean FREEZING the chill that gets deep, deep into your skin. It was one of the coldest nights I ever felt. And because I was a sousaphone player I had the thinnest gloves ever-I don't know why that is, it just happened that way. Anyway Im cold, we're all cold.

And she comes sits wwth me, and shares her hand warmer with me. There we are hand in hand, this girl whom I loved, whom I wanted more than anything in the world. What did I do? I chickened out.

Man this girl was perfect. She was smart, pretty, deep brown eyes, jet black hair. And her smile...im pretty sure it was her smile that cause my short hairs to grow in a few years before that. I mean she was amazing. She was perfect.

And I chickened out.

Fast foward a few years, im a senior she's a sophmore. I still look like a kid (albiet a hairy deep voiced one); she became a goddess, her deep brown eyes became even deeper, they were almost charcoal. Her smile became even more amazing.

But she wanted some one else, some one we acted with. So being the genius that I was I tried to set them up, it failed...i got blamed. But we made up.

Then one day she made a bet with me that i wouldn't do something, and I always having to prove that i am inpredictable did it. She got upset, and reasonably so.

Then things just went to shit. Granted it didn't help that i started innocently seeing her sister. But innocence is odd to see.

I eventualy left town cause well I wanted to. We kept in touch, hell she was one of the first people that i told about loosing my virginity at college. But things changed again

I saw her at the end of the school year, i had been kicked out of my home there soon after the semester ended.. Still as gourgous as always, but i ended up throwing up in the bathroom because of how nervous i was to see her.

And other than a few aim conversations after that, i haven't heard from her since. 6 years.

This past X-Mas i went and visited a mutual friend, (we all lived in the neighborhood together way back when). This guy was my best friend back then. So we're talking and she came up. He confesses that he had hooked up with her a few months prior. Part of my heart broke. But i couldnot and am not mad at my buddy, like I said its been 6 years, none of us are who we were then. But that isn't the point.

So yesterday it finaly hits me like a rock, no im not going to say some sort of emo shit. What hit me was the realization of how far i've strayed from the paths that I wanted to have taken.

in some ways it is better, and in some ways it IS worse.
But still I can't help but wonder where I became mistaken?

And so now, now I want to know from all of you, tell me about the first person you really truely loved, but never got to be with.

my livejournal has a poem in addition to this.

~The fatman