babyjoe

I just finished smashing a metal folding chair in my basement. I swore I would never let another girl get close enough to hurt me......but it happened. After seven years of keeping women at arms length because I didn't want anybody to hurt me, I finally let a girl get close, and she hurt me worse than any other girl before her. I thought I found the most perfect girl for me. we liked most of the same things got along like best friends, and when I held her she felt like home. It was a long distance relationship, but I didn't care. We would text and talk on skype every day. I told her things I wouldn't share with my best friends, and she did the same. Three weeks before i was going to see her again, she tells me about dreams she has of me and how much she loves me. A week later she texts me that she is seeing someone else. That was the last contact I had with her. She wouldn't even text me an explanation. No skype. I flew out there mostly cuz I couldn't get a refund on my flight. She knew I was in town and wouldn't even see me......even to say goodbye. I've never been so blindsided in my entire life. A girl who pursued me. Kept telling me about the future she saw for us. After keeping her away as much as I could, I finally let her in.........and started to hope again. I always lived my life not wanting things, that way nobody could take anything away from me. But she got me wanting a future with her and just like that, she took it away. Every time I think I'm finally over it. something happens to wreck me. my friend posts something on facebook and when I go to clear my notifications....I see a pic of her and her new boyfriend already saying I love you to each other and taking trips together. Every time that happens i get sad, and furious at the same time. the last time it happened I got blackout drunk, nearly got killed by a couple of cars because I was walking in the middle of the road ( not giving a shit what happened to me), busted up my knee, my hand, and my chin in a fall, and woke up in the street in front of some random persons house. that was about a month ago. I swore I would never let anybody do that to me again, but just now Amazon reminded me that her birthday is in 2 weeks and that I shouldn't forget to send her a gift........and I just smashed up a chair in my basement. I don't even know why Im blogging this. maybe I just needed to get this off my chest. probably nobody will even read it.....or if they do, I don't think anything anybody will say will help me feel better. I just feel so lost.