babybeezer

It really doesn't get any more bitter sweet than this. How can things be so good yet so bad at the same time? You know those characters in plays or movies or stories that you see/read about, who swing madly from one emotional extreme to the other and you think "pssshhh, those people don't really exist." Well, these days, I'm one of those people.

Okay, this is making it sound like I'm miserable. I'm not. I'm a very happy person, a fact I attribute to my unfailing ability to take pleasure in the beauty of small things and to be able to see past my own shit to the bigger picture. So over all I'm content. And I've got some absolutely amazing stuff in my life right now. But I've also got some absolutely sad things, and in between riding my bike in the sun, eyes closed and smelling the orange blossoms, there are tears and snotty noses and hiccups and much fear.

But if I can't do all this when I'm 22, when can I?

What a strange time of life to be in. My future is as yet uncertain, and is in fact dependent upon the outcome of a single event this weekend. That event would be: grad school auditions. Wish me luck folks. The director of the program has already expressed an interest in me, but you really never know. I've been successfully not really dwelling on what-ifs, but it's a fine line between relieval of stress and denial.

Right now I don't know whether I should be laughing wildly and spinning in circles, or sitting with my chin in my hand and quietly crying. Frankly, I feel like doing both.

So instead I'll do what I've been doing: ignore both get busy with one of the bazillions things I should have been taking care of all along. I really don't have time for a life right now. So why is it now, of all times, that my life is bigger and fuller than ever?