baby_donut

Here is the first draft of my "marraige story" for my favorite teacher, Jamie. It's not perfect yet but it is exactly 2 pages as she had wanted. I feel bad that it's so macabre but I'm not good at writing pretty happy wedding stories I guess.

Zoe Alexandra
word of the week- marriage
I go outside. I wrap the condom wrapper and the jelly-like condom up in my crumpled underwear. I am afraid my dog will find it and eat it or bring it to the wrong person. I am scared that I was naked last night. I am scared that I am that kind of girl. I am scared because I like to ride his dick like I am climbing some mountain and I am far away from the lights and the city and the noise. I can't sleep until noon anymore. The coffee is in it's pot so I will drink it.
When it comes to weddings I think of happy brides and fancy dresses; dresses I could never own; ornate dresses with tiny pearls and slinky bodices. I think of the backyard, my sin. Sometimes under his breath I can hear him say, you'll never be that kind of girl and I know what that kind of girl is now. She is going to be his wife. She is going to make him very happy. She will make pancakes at six AM and buy him his favorite kind of underwear, Hanes briefs with an elastic waist.
Sometimes I think the city is bleeding, is poison. I think sometimes that I am poison for touching him the way I do. I think she must have been careful. She must have worn the right skirts and crossed her legs as if on command. I have never seen her. Not in person that is. While he is asleep I have pulled the tattered photograph from his wallet. I have smelled her perfume on it. Eclat D'Arpege.
The lady at the perfume counter lets me smell it. She sprays it onto a little dove shaped piece of paper. She wants me to buy it. She is trying to make a sale. Her white lab coat smells like cornstarch and hairspray. Eclat d'Arpege she says, draws inspiration from the original and reflects the spontaneity of a modern woman and that is when I finally know that I will never be his wife.


also, new ones:

I want to feel love
drink vodka instead of sad
don't want to cry now

I think that I have
so many people, I'm scared
time to be myself

do not be scared
I will not hurt you, small cat
I want to keep you

I cannot keep you
you will go away the same
be happy, girlfriend

I won't be lonely
or for at least, I won't
I think I have you

innapropiate
I guess that is who I am
cannot be selfish

I feel you inside
I can be myself today
you are very hot

hot doesn't matter
you are my favorite boy, see
I like you a lot

I am so myself
it really scares me to death
don't want you to go

vodka makes me drunk
want to be your girl forever
forget to be sad

be sure of yourself
if it's that easy, I will
but it is too hard

what can I do now
my dog is scared of me
I feel so alone now

lie on the green grass
take you like a vitamin
I feel fucking good

I want you so bad
masturbate to the thought of you
want you to touch me

I am a little
girl who feels so sad
and wants to be big

I am your daughter
I am a slip of wet grass
need to wait it out

my threads get ignored
I must be a super nerd
no, really, I am

I feel like super
poison and maybe boys think
it is really bad

beyounce is hot
maybe I am not but I
but I can pretend


ps. hate cell phones a lot