So I guess this is gonna be a pretty heavy blog, but I need it as some form of therapy.
A few of you may remember a few months ago I was extremely excited cause I got an acceptance letter to Cal State LA. It was a momentous occasion to be sure.
Now everyone has a crippling fear of rejection, I would imagine the only thing that changes from person to person is the degree of fear. I'm one of those who have an almost comical fear of rejection. I can't ask anyone out, hence have never had a girlfriend. I'm a magician whose too afraid to ask people if they want to see a goddamned magic trick, so I never perform. That's where I'm coming from, so when I got the acceptance letter, it was a big fucking deal to me. It was someone, anyone, saying, we know all that we need to know, and we still think you're fucking good enough. Probably the most romantic thing I've ever encountered, and it came in the form of a fucking email from a university.
Well guess what? They took back my admission. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, after all the tests, all the fees, and forms filled out, and even orientation, in a split second, I went from college man, to just another sad fuck who got rejected.
Why?
It's not that I tested poorly, cause I tested through the roof. It's not that I missed a deadline, or didn't pay an outstanding fee, those were taken care of. It wasn't even that I chose a crowded major and they couldn't fit me in anymore. What was it?
Well it's very simple, you see four years ago I got a 69% in Spanish II instead of a 70%. That means I don't meet the minimum requirement of 2 years of a completed foreign language. I was never told this would be a problem by any of my counselors in the following four years. And so, like that, I'm no longer good enough.
I was, to be perfectly honest, a fucking mess this morning when I found out. My parents had always hoped and prayed I would get into a university. My mom finally made peace with the fact that I was going to be a film major. Fucking hell I showed them around campus this LAST FUCKING WEEKEND. They were excited, and I was excited. After FOUR years of false starts, my life was getting back on track.
So you know, judge me if you will, but this morning after my phone call with the admissions lady ended, I sat there, for what seemed like forever, and I cried like the little kid who skinned his knee.
When the admissions lady finished explaining what had happened to me, I started yelling at her. And it was one of those situations, where I knew it wasn't her fault, and she had nothing to do with this decision, but I needed to yell at someone and she was unfortunate enough to be that someone.
Certainly there is no one to blame but myself. My STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SELF for not caring more when I was younger. I think about it now, and this could have all been avoided, literally, with one weekend. Not even a particularly eventful weekend. I probably just sat around, watched some tv, saw some friends, hung out with the family. And yet, if I had just studied, even one fucking hour that weekend before finals, I would have done better on it, and I could have gotten a C.
So what now? I love my parents to pieces, but I can't face them when they find out. They were so happy and proud for the first time, after a life of just miserable fucking failures and disappointments, they were finally completely and honestly happy. How can I look at them as they find out I have fucked myself again?
Judge me if you must, lord knows I deserve it, but the short answer is I can't. I simply fucking can not look them in the face and tell them this. So I'm going to go away.
Not now, not immediately. They're so happy right now, and I want them to be able to enjoy that for a a little while longer. I'm gonna shove all this down into the depths of my mind, and for the next couple weeks, I'm gonna be that perfect son they always wished and knew I could be, but because of reluctance and laziness on my part, I never was. GODDAMMIT WHY THE HELL WAS I ALWAYS SUCH A LAZY ASSHOLE?
I'm gonna try to be as great as I can, for a while, leading up to when school would start, and then, I just gonna go away for a while. I'll leave a note, and I'll let them know somehow everyday that I'm safe, but I need to go off the grid for a while. I'll find some place to crash, or sleep in my car or something, and I'm going to take a long overdue look at my life. I don't know how long I'll be gone, maybe just a few days, maybe far longer.
I won't lie, for a few minutes this morning, as I sat on my chair, sniveling like a child, I had thoughts of suicide. Would it really be so bad? I mean, would it be so difficult to go to a market, pick up a bottle of pills, and just... go to sleep? But then I thought of my parents, and the people I know, and have yet to meet, and the things I've never done. I've never had my day with my special someone, just laughing, and talking, and, haha, watching movies from dusk till dawn. And Goddammit, I'm not gonna let my stupidity in the past fucking take that away. It's taken enough.
A few of you may remember a few months ago I was extremely excited cause I got an acceptance letter to Cal State LA. It was a momentous occasion to be sure.
Now everyone has a crippling fear of rejection, I would imagine the only thing that changes from person to person is the degree of fear. I'm one of those who have an almost comical fear of rejection. I can't ask anyone out, hence have never had a girlfriend. I'm a magician whose too afraid to ask people if they want to see a goddamned magic trick, so I never perform. That's where I'm coming from, so when I got the acceptance letter, it was a big fucking deal to me. It was someone, anyone, saying, we know all that we need to know, and we still think you're fucking good enough. Probably the most romantic thing I've ever encountered, and it came in the form of a fucking email from a university.
Well guess what? They took back my admission. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, after all the tests, all the fees, and forms filled out, and even orientation, in a split second, I went from college man, to just another sad fuck who got rejected.
Why?
It's not that I tested poorly, cause I tested through the roof. It's not that I missed a deadline, or didn't pay an outstanding fee, those were taken care of. It wasn't even that I chose a crowded major and they couldn't fit me in anymore. What was it?
Well it's very simple, you see four years ago I got a 69% in Spanish II instead of a 70%. That means I don't meet the minimum requirement of 2 years of a completed foreign language. I was never told this would be a problem by any of my counselors in the following four years. And so, like that, I'm no longer good enough.
I was, to be perfectly honest, a fucking mess this morning when I found out. My parents had always hoped and prayed I would get into a university. My mom finally made peace with the fact that I was going to be a film major. Fucking hell I showed them around campus this LAST FUCKING WEEKEND. They were excited, and I was excited. After FOUR years of false starts, my life was getting back on track.
So you know, judge me if you will, but this morning after my phone call with the admissions lady ended, I sat there, for what seemed like forever, and I cried like the little kid who skinned his knee.
When the admissions lady finished explaining what had happened to me, I started yelling at her. And it was one of those situations, where I knew it wasn't her fault, and she had nothing to do with this decision, but I needed to yell at someone and she was unfortunate enough to be that someone.
Certainly there is no one to blame but myself. My STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SELF for not caring more when I was younger. I think about it now, and this could have all been avoided, literally, with one weekend. Not even a particularly eventful weekend. I probably just sat around, watched some tv, saw some friends, hung out with the family. And yet, if I had just studied, even one fucking hour that weekend before finals, I would have done better on it, and I could have gotten a C.
So what now? I love my parents to pieces, but I can't face them when they find out. They were so happy and proud for the first time, after a life of just miserable fucking failures and disappointments, they were finally completely and honestly happy. How can I look at them as they find out I have fucked myself again?
Judge me if you must, lord knows I deserve it, but the short answer is I can't. I simply fucking can not look them in the face and tell them this. So I'm going to go away.
Not now, not immediately. They're so happy right now, and I want them to be able to enjoy that for a a little while longer. I'm gonna shove all this down into the depths of my mind, and for the next couple weeks, I'm gonna be that perfect son they always wished and knew I could be, but because of reluctance and laziness on my part, I never was. GODDAMMIT WHY THE HELL WAS I ALWAYS SUCH A LAZY ASSHOLE?
I'm gonna try to be as great as I can, for a while, leading up to when school would start, and then, I just gonna go away for a while. I'll leave a note, and I'll let them know somehow everyday that I'm safe, but I need to go off the grid for a while. I'll find some place to crash, or sleep in my car or something, and I'm going to take a long overdue look at my life. I don't know how long I'll be gone, maybe just a few days, maybe far longer.
I won't lie, for a few minutes this morning, as I sat on my chair, sniveling like a child, I had thoughts of suicide. Would it really be so bad? I mean, would it be so difficult to go to a market, pick up a bottle of pills, and just... go to sleep? But then I thought of my parents, and the people I know, and have yet to meet, and the things I've never done. I've never had my day with my special someone, just laughing, and talking, and, haha, watching movies from dusk till dawn. And Goddammit, I'm not gonna let my stupidity in the past fucking take that away. It's taken enough.
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xoxoxox