ayla

This past month has been something of a tumultuous month. I'm sure there are a few others out there that can vouch for me and for themselves for that. It's heading into August now. That means the countdown to my birthday starts in a couple of days, so that's something to look forward to I suppose. Being that I'm finally going to be 21, and can indulge in all that is debaucherous legally. And, like previously stated in the entry prior to this, I am employed again. Another thing I love, since being a month without work hasn't exactly been an easy ride. I do get bored quite easily, so this should prove productive.

But...I look back at all that's happened this past month, and while some of the events of recent past were in fact ordained by Fate, or so I'd like to think, is there a chance that maybe some of this could have been avoided? That some of the drama that unfolded was in fact unnecessary and could have been avoided months in advance if I had just listened to my instinct from the start? Or, maybe...just maybe, there is a harsh lesson to be learned in all of this, and Karma finally got me back for some of the things I did and the ways I acted as a teenager.

It would be so easy to seek a straight answer, wouldn't it? But I suppose there is no straight answer. "Only in complexity do we find answers. Through complexity, men struggle to find fairness; it is slow and clumsy, but it is the only way. Simplicity demands too great a sacrifice. It always has."

I don't know what I should feel or expect at this point, aside from to expect the unexpected. I don't even think I should plan or predict anymore, just react. That's all I've been doing; reacting to my enviroment, my dilemmas, my engagments, my life in general. It's more or less my defense now, and to what, really? What exactly am I defending myself against? I can sit back now, calmly, and rationally think things through for the millionth time and see that truely, there is nothing for me to defend myself against. I have no true enemies, I have nothing to fear. There was nothing or no one to ever fear to begin with.

So maybe, I can go into August with my head up in pride, instead of hanging in shame; with a clear view of things to come, instead of a clouded vision of what to dread; with a strong and steady hand, instead of unraveling nerves and constant fear. I guess we just have to wait and see.