so, as my last blog said, i kept a journaly thingy for about a week. before i posted it, i cut out the single-sentence random thoughts, and the stuff i thought needed to be/could be reworded/rewritten/whatever. anyway, since all i could do on this site is post a link to another site for the last blog, i figured i'd give you guys the "b-sides" a day or two early. but i gotta warn you, this one's pretty long too. anyway, here ya go:
so, seriously. girls scare me. they intimidate me, and i'm not sure how to explain it. fear of the unknown, i suppose? *pause for chuckle from audience* i'm always so very scared, "what if she doesn't like me? what if she says 'no'? what i get rejected again?" like it's the end of the world, like if one girl rejects me, they all will, i dunno. i get scared, and gladly enter the "friend zone". ha! about half the girls i'm friends with, i made friends with them because i like(d) them, and was too scared/pansy to do anything about it. go me. in regards to my current friends, i'm fine with it, generally. if i'm not, you'll probably never know, so whatever. i just, don't want it to happen again, but i know it will. i'll not grow a spine overnight, i don't know how. i think what i do, is i go for... softer looking girls. because i think if they look soft, they'll be softer in all areas. i'm usually wrong. i also have a history of more... aggressive girls. not violent, but more... yeah, aggressive. can't think of a better word for it. it's easier for me to be with an aggressive girl because i have to do less work, and there's less fear of rejection. if an aggressive girl is into me, i'll know right damn quick, without any self-doubt. there's no "does she like me? what if she rejects me?" it's more "you're cute, let's make out" from her. problem solved! which is kind of a problem in itself. there's a song lyric, "i'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me". i've been thinking about it and i think it kind of applies to me. maybe not "crass", but the general thought. the kind of girl who'd be into me, is not necessarily the kind of girl i'd be into. i should work on that. on trying harder when i'm interested, on being less scared. i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away
i should probably stop listening to sad music. might help, might not. who knows?
so, if i have one beer every night consistently, does that make me an alcoholic?
i'm starting to wonder if maybe i look at so much porn that maybe when/if i do meet a girl, i won't know what to do with her. that worries me.
maybe all my journal entries are various strengths of depressing. i should work on that.
i mustn't forget how this feels. my mom does massage for... handicapped people. both mental and physical. some of them are born with it, some got in a car wreck or something. i can't hear her talk about it for very long. i start to go all to shit. i mean, think about it. some of them are born this way. are they cognizant of the fact that they're different? there's a line, probably from somewhere else, but i got it from the Clerks animated series: "are they cognizant of how bad they've got it? i hope not. poor bastards." something like that, except less... less "poor bastards", because some of them... some of them are braver than i've ever been. these are guys who collect cans because they need the $70 they'll get a month, just to live. they sell flowers by the side of the road. there's one guy who inherited land when his father died, but he can't own it because they'll dock his disability check if he does. i'd like to think that, with the short end of the stick he's been given, maybe one day he'll be able to retire to the land that should be his, owned by his brothers, but it'll be his. not legally, but his nonetheless. i'd like to think he'll at least have that, but he won't. never ever never. he can't live without the facilities and support he gets here in town. just one shit deal after another. there's one girl she works on, she can only communicate in squeaks. another guy thinks he's Captain Kangaroo. there's a guy who can't move his foot because there's a steel rod in it, so he can walk normally. hasn't been able to move his foot in 40 years. when my mom massages his feet, she can feel it, he can feel her pressing on it. that always makes me shudder, both from sadness, and the thought of the physicality of it. what about the people who were born normally, but suffered an accident? one day you've got all your mental facilities, the next... do you think they remember life before the accident? does it seem one long, vague dream? do they wish they could just go back to sleep again and keep dreaming? I mustn't forget how this feels. I mustn't forget how to feel.
Q: what's green and has wheels?
A: grass. i lied about the wheels.
why is one of the most common and popular fonts also one where the capital "i" looks exactly like the lowercase "L"? proof: "Ill". "Illegal" "l'Il". that last one is actually "L'iL", with the caps switched. craziness. you'd think that would annoy people more. that's why i generally don't use the capital "i".
i miss my old knife, Spike. that was a good knife.
i've decided the last song i hear before bed tonight is going to be Radiohead's No Surprises. the guitar line is just begging to be a lullaby. which it is now, i guess. google it if you want, Radiohead lullaby. seriously. what's weird is the lullaby versions of Tool songs. that's borderline demented, methinks. not for an adult, but it'd be messed up to do that to a baby. just weird.
so, seriously. girls scare me. they intimidate me, and i'm not sure how to explain it. fear of the unknown, i suppose? *pause for chuckle from audience* i'm always so very scared, "what if she doesn't like me? what if she says 'no'? what i get rejected again?" like it's the end of the world, like if one girl rejects me, they all will, i dunno. i get scared, and gladly enter the "friend zone". ha! about half the girls i'm friends with, i made friends with them because i like(d) them, and was too scared/pansy to do anything about it. go me. in regards to my current friends, i'm fine with it, generally. if i'm not, you'll probably never know, so whatever. i just, don't want it to happen again, but i know it will. i'll not grow a spine overnight, i don't know how. i think what i do, is i go for... softer looking girls. because i think if they look soft, they'll be softer in all areas. i'm usually wrong. i also have a history of more... aggressive girls. not violent, but more... yeah, aggressive. can't think of a better word for it. it's easier for me to be with an aggressive girl because i have to do less work, and there's less fear of rejection. if an aggressive girl is into me, i'll know right damn quick, without any self-doubt. there's no "does she like me? what if she rejects me?" it's more "you're cute, let's make out" from her. problem solved! which is kind of a problem in itself. there's a song lyric, "i'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me". i've been thinking about it and i think it kind of applies to me. maybe not "crass", but the general thought. the kind of girl who'd be into me, is not necessarily the kind of girl i'd be into. i should work on that. on trying harder when i'm interested, on being less scared. i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away, i mustn't run away
i should probably stop listening to sad music. might help, might not. who knows?
so, if i have one beer every night consistently, does that make me an alcoholic?
i'm starting to wonder if maybe i look at so much porn that maybe when/if i do meet a girl, i won't know what to do with her. that worries me.
maybe all my journal entries are various strengths of depressing. i should work on that.
i mustn't forget how this feels. my mom does massage for... handicapped people. both mental and physical. some of them are born with it, some got in a car wreck or something. i can't hear her talk about it for very long. i start to go all to shit. i mean, think about it. some of them are born this way. are they cognizant of the fact that they're different? there's a line, probably from somewhere else, but i got it from the Clerks animated series: "are they cognizant of how bad they've got it? i hope not. poor bastards." something like that, except less... less "poor bastards", because some of them... some of them are braver than i've ever been. these are guys who collect cans because they need the $70 they'll get a month, just to live. they sell flowers by the side of the road. there's one guy who inherited land when his father died, but he can't own it because they'll dock his disability check if he does. i'd like to think that, with the short end of the stick he's been given, maybe one day he'll be able to retire to the land that should be his, owned by his brothers, but it'll be his. not legally, but his nonetheless. i'd like to think he'll at least have that, but he won't. never ever never. he can't live without the facilities and support he gets here in town. just one shit deal after another. there's one girl she works on, she can only communicate in squeaks. another guy thinks he's Captain Kangaroo. there's a guy who can't move his foot because there's a steel rod in it, so he can walk normally. hasn't been able to move his foot in 40 years. when my mom massages his feet, she can feel it, he can feel her pressing on it. that always makes me shudder, both from sadness, and the thought of the physicality of it. what about the people who were born normally, but suffered an accident? one day you've got all your mental facilities, the next... do you think they remember life before the accident? does it seem one long, vague dream? do they wish they could just go back to sleep again and keep dreaming? I mustn't forget how this feels. I mustn't forget how to feel.
Q: what's green and has wheels?
A: grass. i lied about the wheels.
why is one of the most common and popular fonts also one where the capital "i" looks exactly like the lowercase "L"? proof: "Ill". "Illegal" "l'Il". that last one is actually "L'iL", with the caps switched. craziness. you'd think that would annoy people more. that's why i generally don't use the capital "i".
i miss my old knife, Spike. that was a good knife.
i've decided the last song i hear before bed tonight is going to be Radiohead's No Surprises. the guitar line is just begging to be a lullaby. which it is now, i guess. google it if you want, Radiohead lullaby. seriously. what's weird is the lullaby versions of Tool songs. that's borderline demented, methinks. not for an adult, but it'd be messed up to do that to a baby. just weird.