rainy fall days are the best.
i needed a day like this.
i got to start on my christmas gifts with the blinds open so i could look out the doorwall and see all the beauty of the rain. it makes me realize how insignificant i am.
last night was interesting. i drank far too much, got sick, was horribly embarassed, but at some moment in the discussion/arguement, had a moment of clarity that i became very focused on today, during my time watching the rain.
i really started to wonder why i place other people's happiness in my hands. i've always been that way. my friends have always come first. my relationships a close second. when i was close to my family, they came just after that. then my own happiness. so i have to ask myself this question: if i am not happy, how can i make someone else happy? i can't. i can't place my happiness in other peoples' hands. yes, i do feel good about myself when i can make someone else happy, but that isn't real happiness. if anything, its more a feeling of acomplishment. the two can easily be confused.
when i really think about it, i haven't been truley happy since my senior year of high school, when, for some reason, everything made sense. i had a job a loved (yes, i was just managing mcdonalds, but i worked with some sweet people that year), a reasonalby stable home life (my parents had been divorced for slightly over a year and i was starting to come to terms with it and adjust), a solid relationship, a strong group of close friends who i would've done anything for, and i was involved in activities i loved (marching band, choir, the musical, drama...). but then i was cheated on, my friends started stabbing eachother in the back, and everything at work changed.
i can't go back to my senior year of high school. i can, however, find what makes me happy now and pursue that to the fullest. only then i can i be truely happy. i've been given an amazing opportunity. i have to opportunity to essentially start over. yes, i packed up and moved to indianapolis to be with someone, and it didn't work out. but here are my options: pack up and move back to michigan, where, as much as i love my friends, i was extremely unhappy. all i did was talk about getting out. well, i'm out! why go running back to the saftey of home? OR i could stay here, get straightened out, and essentially have a fresh start. a new job, where no one knew me, and i can make myself what I want to be. i can be sucessful there where i have failed at previously. i can slowly build up new friendships, and make them as strong, if not stronger, than the ones i have back in michigan. i can also make sure i maintain my friendships in michgian. true friends just don't vanish, so if nothing else, i'll know who those true friends are. i can take a risk in relationships. i havent really opened up and trusted someone since V and i broke up, and i'm extremely hesitant to do so. i could list all the guys that have fucked me over, but that would take forever. V was by far the one who hurt me the worst, and i swore i would never let myself fall for someone that way again. i would never open up and let someone in again, because that makes it too easy to get hurt. but i need to learn to take that risk. if you dont risk, you cant gain. its impossible to make something out of nothing. it has to grow and flourish, and in order for that to happen, i have to be able to open up.
i'm determined to straighten my life out. i can't handle just hiding and watching life pass by. i want to live, and to be happy. if i'm lucky, i can make someone else happy in the process, but that can not be my entire focus.
i needed a day like this.
i got to start on my christmas gifts with the blinds open so i could look out the doorwall and see all the beauty of the rain. it makes me realize how insignificant i am.
last night was interesting. i drank far too much, got sick, was horribly embarassed, but at some moment in the discussion/arguement, had a moment of clarity that i became very focused on today, during my time watching the rain.
i really started to wonder why i place other people's happiness in my hands. i've always been that way. my friends have always come first. my relationships a close second. when i was close to my family, they came just after that. then my own happiness. so i have to ask myself this question: if i am not happy, how can i make someone else happy? i can't. i can't place my happiness in other peoples' hands. yes, i do feel good about myself when i can make someone else happy, but that isn't real happiness. if anything, its more a feeling of acomplishment. the two can easily be confused.
when i really think about it, i haven't been truley happy since my senior year of high school, when, for some reason, everything made sense. i had a job a loved (yes, i was just managing mcdonalds, but i worked with some sweet people that year), a reasonalby stable home life (my parents had been divorced for slightly over a year and i was starting to come to terms with it and adjust), a solid relationship, a strong group of close friends who i would've done anything for, and i was involved in activities i loved (marching band, choir, the musical, drama...). but then i was cheated on, my friends started stabbing eachother in the back, and everything at work changed.
i can't go back to my senior year of high school. i can, however, find what makes me happy now and pursue that to the fullest. only then i can i be truely happy. i've been given an amazing opportunity. i have to opportunity to essentially start over. yes, i packed up and moved to indianapolis to be with someone, and it didn't work out. but here are my options: pack up and move back to michigan, where, as much as i love my friends, i was extremely unhappy. all i did was talk about getting out. well, i'm out! why go running back to the saftey of home? OR i could stay here, get straightened out, and essentially have a fresh start. a new job, where no one knew me, and i can make myself what I want to be. i can be sucessful there where i have failed at previously. i can slowly build up new friendships, and make them as strong, if not stronger, than the ones i have back in michigan. i can also make sure i maintain my friendships in michgian. true friends just don't vanish, so if nothing else, i'll know who those true friends are. i can take a risk in relationships. i havent really opened up and trusted someone since V and i broke up, and i'm extremely hesitant to do so. i could list all the guys that have fucked me over, but that would take forever. V was by far the one who hurt me the worst, and i swore i would never let myself fall for someone that way again. i would never open up and let someone in again, because that makes it too easy to get hurt. but i need to learn to take that risk. if you dont risk, you cant gain. its impossible to make something out of nothing. it has to grow and flourish, and in order for that to happen, i have to be able to open up.
i'm determined to straighten my life out. i can't handle just hiding and watching life pass by. i want to live, and to be happy. if i'm lucky, i can make someone else happy in the process, but that can not be my entire focus.
i have sprint, but i also have insurance so they will repair my phone unless its water damage.
but i think my husband wanted that phone.
http://www.myspace.com/beflatline
Only reason I'm thinking of leaving is the lack of a real need / material. The groups are nice, and the reading material is nice, but lately there's so much else to do, it just feels kind of like a waste.