avalon

baptism of screams

go now. go hard. no looking back. it is easy to run from what scares you. i did. i am forgettable. i can fade away. easy to give up on. so hard to understand. alone. now. again. scared. not wanting this to be so tough. i want to stop this repetition of loss. my heart can't handle it. so tragic. everything is just so fucking tragic. so perfectly laid out and perfectly ugly. this not really happening. you bet your life it is. so what? so i'm crazy? does that mean i am not loveable? does that mean that i fail? nothing? so tired of that excuse. so tired of that being all i am. so fucking over it. sad i am without someone. wanting it all to be okay. temporary situations do not settle well. still waking up to a face i will always love. but not for long. soon i will be alone. cold. no one's picking up the phone- guess it's me and me. this little masochist- she's lifting up her dress; guess i thought i could never feel the things i feel. if you could just see the peices of me that magnify beauty, it would be where you want to be. just look what this pain has done to me. covered up anything pretty in me. silly boys keeps asking- "when are you going to dump your boyfreind and get with me?" i smile and laugh. no chance. boy- i'm a mess you don't wanna clean up. broken, but on the way to recovery. but no one can have me. ha- no one will ever see me. recluse. hibernate. disconnect. never. there is only one solution. to find me. walk barefoot through the grass and you will find me. the wind blowing through your hair speaks of me. the thingsyou never said rest on your tongue and taste of me. i'm a fountain of blood- in the shape of a girl. lazy days- crazy ways siloette me. find myself i will. no more intangiblity. focused. piercing. stable. defiant. but somewhat humble. cry like a child- for these days make me older. but i will not forget this feeling i can't shake. it helps me to breathe and it makes me believe. in life. in love. in peace. real. raw. gritty. hard to take. life shouldn't be this hard. pain shouldn't be this easy to effect me. survival of this is remarkable. if i can get through it- i will become more. i've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. i will use my mistakes against everyone. my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked. naked and fearless. out of comfort zones. do without this things you own. survival- right? this is necessary. don't leave me high and dry. the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have had has gone away. denied. doubted. mocked. they're the ones who'll spit on you, you'll be the one screaming out. so true. so predicted. judge lest ye be judged. i only judge myself the harshest. scars of imperfection will mask true potential. maybe this is how i get through. play up the ugly. fight to be human. not decaying. not dying. not losing. i come close. i have kissed death. but never have i surrendered to the thoughts they think define me. maybe- i feel the wheel but i can't steer- when my thougths become my biggest fear. heaven beside me- hell within. something holy in spiraling out. i may just go where no one's been. not going to run to what is comfortable this time. no more retreat. life is a necklace of fears- my love. your uncried tears on a string. leave me now. the tide will show you the way. forget my name go astray. staying awake to chase a dream. tasting the air you're breathing in. i know i won't forgot a thing. tomorrow never knows. but today i feel i can be whole. and don't be surprised what the future holds. don't question it. airbrushed. flawless. on fire. fuck yeah.