avalon

today is the day when i allow myself to unravel
the day when my world was forever changed
i woke up at age 10
never to see you again
and as strong as it's made me
your absence breaks me
every year my heart breaks a little more
than before
and even tho it heals faster and faster each year
it's the same pain
it's the same ache
that will never go away
it's the same name
it's the same face
that i will never see again
mom
i will never forget
when i was 7
how you told me
"do you know how much i love you?"
how could i ever forget?
you defined what love is
because it is what you were
patient, understanding, forgiving and selfless
and i will never settle for anything less
i sometimes feel like you weren't real
that you were too magical to have been alive
so many years now fade my memory
still i cannot help but feel connected to you
somehow i feel i know you more
as times goes on
as memories fade
i find you in different ways
i wonder what you would think of me now?
almost everyone in my life that i love
never knew you
but i know you would embrace them
and accept them as your own
after all we are not so different
as far away as you seem
all i have to do is close my eyes and i can feel you
and sometimes i just wanna scream
and call out to you
this bad dream that became reality
sometimes is a little too real
people i know sometimes say "its time to move on"
but forgetting you is like
trying to forget your favorite song
impossible
and if i somehow could forget
what time could never erase
i would find you laced with the rhythm of my own heart
pumping with the blood of someone who made me
yet is no longer alive to see me
come to fruition
its a unresolved chord
an unfinished puzzle
and there is no way to explain
the sleepless nights
the questions
the pain
how obsolete is feels even some 19 year later
to be a girl without a mom
sometimes seems so unfair
its like being throw into the ocean
before you knew what land was
i learned about death far too young
i learned about it before i learned how to live
yet it somehow taught me everything about life
and how i could not live mine without you
and i wouldnt have to
because you are timeless
maternal love eternal
you are behind every laugh i bellow
every smile i share
these words i craft
the tears i bare
everyone will know a small piece of you
everyone will fall in love with you
and everyone will want to know you
you are never dead
your legacy is in my heart
your lessons in my head
imprinting everything i do
good and bad i embrace you
knowing you weren't perfect
knowing that your flaws somehow made you more real
and i can do nothing more than cherish you
the strife you were faced with
your story
i acknowledge that a part of me will always be missing
but bond between a mother and daughter
is one that cannot be broken
through life or death
it is forever
and i'm so fucking thankful
to have know such humble and vulnerable beauty
and i can only hope to be half the woman you were
i can only hope that you are never forgotten
as long as i live and breathe
you never will be

i love you mom. through life or death, our bond is beyond the physical world and our love is immortal.

RIP mom
1957-1990