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autumngirl

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Member Since 2005

Followers 22 Following 15

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Friday Dec 09, 2005

Dec 9, 2005
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Finished exams. Ugh. Got very little sleep last night. Not due to exam-fears, but boyfriend went away for a month and this was my first night sleeping solo in quite awhile. Needless to say, this did not help my focus on long, complicated calculations during the exam today. I had a hard enough time just counting out the $ to pay the Starbucks guy this morning. We shall see.

I guess I have to start looking for 'real' jobs soon. Fuck.

Okay, so work has been closed longer than expected so I'm more or less broke. Unfortunately, I agreed to be my roommate's date for her office Christmas party, to be held at an overpriced nearby seafood restaurant. She works for corporate radio stations, selling ads. So I assume these people at least think they're pretty cool. I have nothing, NOTHING to wear. I have a couple of hoochie-mama tank tops for going to dive bars in the summer. I have a few crisp button down shirts to wear to an office. But nothing that bridges the gap between Office and Party. Much less 'at a fancy restaurant during holidays.' I really really don't want to go buy anything but I don't know if I have a choice. I don't want to look dumb but mostly I don't want my roommate to be embarrassed of her 'date,' b/c she just got this job a few months ago. Anything to make her look better, ya know?

OH, and she told everyone that I would 'entertain' them. Well, yeah, Bethany, people find me entertaining b/c I have the foulest mouth and most perverted sense of humor ever found on a pretty, normal-looking girl. This behavior will not translate well to an office christmas party. Trust me. Maybe I'll just let it rip, anyway. Distract from my shitty outfit.

Dressing the part, man. SUCH a difficult thing when you're broke. And having clothes/$-for-clothes is such a sensitive issue for me. Since people used to make fun of me for wearing my schoolteacher mother's hand-me-downs in middle school. Kmart and Walmart clothes, too. Nobody in my life now knows about that. My dad got a job leading to better and better jobs and I definitely grew out of my ugly duckling phase and left that town and never went back. But it left a lot of money insecurities and fitting-in insecurities and whatnot that I still carry around with me, to an extent.

Sometimes it's hard to even have a good time out socially b/c I'm so worried about looking right. Right = completely unnoticeable. I almost hesitate sometimes to dress sexy or stylishly b/c I don't want people to look at me. At all. Which is sorta weird since people tell me I'm hot. Whatever. I'm crazy. Not like this is the only instance.

Anyway, I'm going to go back for my first day back at work since the remodeling. Yippee! Then go spend money I don't have on clothes I won't wear again. AWESOME!

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