Okay doke kids time to spill. My birthday was...well just another birthday. I went to California which was amazing. It makes me sad to leave because for the first time in a while I felt at peace.
I got to see Tom Vandenavond which was wicked fun.
Willy Tea got me a birthday cake. If I wasn't so embarrassed that I was put on the spot light , I would have been in tears. If you have not listened to him, you should check him out, his music tends to get me through my days. Zaccone has kept me alive and kicking the past week. I adore him!
This handsome boy is who keeps me warm all day. I know he is quite the charmer.
I am working on a new drawing..Excuse my terrible art work
Okay now getting to the real stuff.
I am exhausted , my kidney infection won't go away and my antibiotics make me want to cut out my own stomach which really doesn't help the whole eating disorder thing. Which by the way is a fucking pain in my ass right now. Things are not looking so good in the Anorexia department. I am lucky if I can get half a meal down on a good day. I just feel disgusting. If I could hide my body from the world everyday I would be happy. I am trying though which is good. I have not lost all hope. But everyday is a trial in its own. I have a hard time going to the grocery without desperately wanting to stock up on diet pills, appetite suppressors etc. I can't help but get jealous when I look at old pictures of myself and how tiny I was even though it was because my meals consisted of cocaine and speed. I feel lost. I woke up this morning a realized I just don't feel sexy anymore, I feel like I've lost any confidence I have built over the years. Maybe I just need to start doing things to feel sexy. I started to think about shooting a set more and more. Put the fun back in my body. Maybe I just need someone to tell me I am beautiful...that couldn't hurt even if I dont believe it. The worst is, is the comparing. I can't stop comparing myself to everyone around me.I can hardly stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am really struggling. I just want to feel invisible and being thin makes me feel that. Moral of my story eating disorders are not fun..ever, they are exhausting.. But I am not going to lie I still believe losing 40- 60 pounds will make me better and content. Okay I am done..I just needed to be honest with people and myself why I am not doing so well. Sorry for the depressing Blog
I got to see Tom Vandenavond which was wicked fun.
Willy Tea got me a birthday cake. If I wasn't so embarrassed that I was put on the spot light , I would have been in tears. If you have not listened to him, you should check him out, his music tends to get me through my days. Zaccone has kept me alive and kicking the past week. I adore him!
This handsome boy is who keeps me warm all day. I know he is quite the charmer.
I am working on a new drawing..Excuse my terrible art work
Okay now getting to the real stuff.
I am exhausted , my kidney infection won't go away and my antibiotics make me want to cut out my own stomach which really doesn't help the whole eating disorder thing. Which by the way is a fucking pain in my ass right now. Things are not looking so good in the Anorexia department. I am lucky if I can get half a meal down on a good day. I just feel disgusting. If I could hide my body from the world everyday I would be happy. I am trying though which is good. I have not lost all hope. But everyday is a trial in its own. I have a hard time going to the grocery without desperately wanting to stock up on diet pills, appetite suppressors etc. I can't help but get jealous when I look at old pictures of myself and how tiny I was even though it was because my meals consisted of cocaine and speed. I feel lost. I woke up this morning a realized I just don't feel sexy anymore, I feel like I've lost any confidence I have built over the years. Maybe I just need to start doing things to feel sexy. I started to think about shooting a set more and more. Put the fun back in my body. Maybe I just need someone to tell me I am beautiful...that couldn't hurt even if I dont believe it. The worst is, is the comparing. I can't stop comparing myself to everyone around me.I can hardly stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am really struggling. I just want to feel invisible and being thin makes me feel that. Moral of my story eating disorders are not fun..ever, they are exhausting.. But I am not going to lie I still believe losing 40- 60 pounds will make me better and content. Okay I am done..I just needed to be honest with people and myself why I am not doing so well. Sorry for the depressing Blog
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
starmount:
boobieeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss
id_without_ego:
You are so sexy and that is increased 100 times over with the Electric Mud reference in your drawing!