aurora_b_alice

Sometimes I have to remind myself I'm a girl, and that provides an explanation for a lot of things. I think the way I deal with emotions can be non-traditional as a female. A lot of times I bottle up my feelings and stick them on a shelf in the back of my brain. Or when I'm feeling upset or worried or sad I my default reaction is to "shake it off", a phrase passed down to me from my mother's father who was a boxing teacher, and that was his solution to any negative feelings you might have. I want to get close to people but when I get to a certain point I wall up.

The past few days I'm feeling burnt out, weary, vulnerable, and I want to curl up into someone's arms and feel like I'm not alone, that I have someone supporting me while I fight against the currents trying to wash my downstream. At first I was being hard on myself for being so weak "What's wrong with you? Why are you complaining so much! Just shake it off!" Then I remembered that it's okay to feel these things.

It's almost impossible for me to talk about my feelings sometimes. I can't, I just freeze up, unless I'm talking to someone that I know cares about what I'm saying, _really_ cares, and wants to listen. I can't talk to my mom, because we just don't talk about emotions. I don't have any female friends that I can share with. And talking about these things with my guy makes him really uncomfortable, and scares him off a bit. So here I am laying it all out in an online journal. That's so pathetic, but at least I'm getting it out.

Being away from the Boy is getting harder. Not in just that I miss him, but I'm often confused about what our relationship is. There wasn't much time to establish what was different after we switched from best friends to a couple because I up and moved to L.A. for 7 months. You know when you usually know why another person is in love with you, you know enough to maybe explain it to someone else. I don't really know why he loves (?) me. I don't know that he even loves me, maybe just likes me a lot. I wish I could work all this out, but it's hard enough talking about my emotional crap, let alone over the phone with someone who likes to avoid this stuff. It's sometimes hard when I try to ease into talking about feelings/emotions/etc. Because he bounces it off with teasing and jokes. Relationships exhaust me, but it's all my fault for having problems with talking about stuff, and maybe trying to be less sensitive than I really am. I feel overly self conscious as a girlfriend and I don't know why, I bottle up. I'm exhausting myself just thinking about it right now, I want to cry, but I want someone to hold me and tell me that nothing is wrong, I'm fine the way I am, and it's okay to be exhausted and cry once in awhile. Maybe I just need to get out more and quit sitting around and thinking about it.