First off, I'd like to thank you guys for your amazing words of encouragement. It seems kind of silly to me still because you're still just names on a computer screen, but your compliments and encouragement mean the world to me. I've been so self-depreciating for so long, it's really an amazing feeling to own myself again and have other people notice. So I sincerely thank you for that.
I've honestly never needed it more than I do now.
The set that went up this week was an attempt to make myself feel better after a pretty big let-down last weekend. I'm only okay to talk about it right now. Now, thiis is going to make me sound incredibly stupid, I'm well aware of it. But I hope you wont think less of me.
Last Friday night I went out to Boston to go see my best friend, and go to her boyfriend's gig with her. No drinking for me, I was driving (Im very responsible in that sense haha) but once everyone else ran out of money we went back to their house. That was where I gave in and smoked myself stupid. (Im a BIG fan of the herb, just so you're all aware) Now, I had tried to get a hold of this guy I've been talking to who lives in Boston. I know he travels in to the city every weekend to stay with friends with an apartment in the city. But he didn't respond until about an hour later. By then I had planned on sleeping over my girl's house and just resigning to sleeping alone on a couch. However, he texted me back at the perfect time. Early enough that I could make an excuse to get out of the house without being weird and creeping out in the wee hours of the morning. So I went to his house out in the suburbs. I was so excited to finally get a chance to sit down and have some fun with this kid. I'd never gotten the chance before. It'd always been just the wrong time or with the wrong people. But finally, we were clicking.
And oh boy did we ever click. I didn't go for the home run, but I hit all the bases pretty hard. And he was impressed. Which was awesome. And then once we were done he actually pulled me back onto the couch with him and cuddled up to me. That never, ever happens. I either get the awkward cold shoulder of some boy turning his back to me in bed right after, or we're in a car and drive off, and then I get sent home. I never get my cuddle session afterwards. And here is this boy that I just did some dirty-as-hell things with without any pretense, and he's cuddling with me on his couch. It was so alien and so wonderful, I ended up staying with him until about 3 AM. As I was leaving he kissed the top of my head and told me to text him when I was home safe. And he actually waited up for the 45 minutes it took me to get there. I was giddy for about 12 hours, until I tried talking to him again and he was distant.
Finally, last Tuesday I commented him and asked him why he hated me. And all of a sudden I got this "I'm sorry but I dont even have time for myself right now. I just started a new job and I have school all night. I'm just too tired."
If I get the motherfucking "IM TOO TIRED' excuse for one more goddamn thing. I will rip the culprit's face off with my fingernails. I've gotten the "I'm too tired to fool around" excuse, the "Im too tired to even see you tonight" and the "I'm just tired of keeping this up". FIND A NEW WORD. Fuck you. I mean, I wasn't dumb enough to think that me giving you a blowjob would be enough to make you like me. It was just a little fun I was trying to have, and I figured I could now up the flirting context of our conversations. But you were much more talkative about a month ago. That was all I meant. I didn't think this would spark some whirl-wind romance. We aren't in high school anymore.
However, just the fact that he doesnt even want to talk to me now sickens me. I dont know what I did to break his interest in me. But it had happened well before this incident. I dont know what made me go to his house. Just loneliness and some pent up sexual tension I guess. But I guess I just couldn't handle getting shot down from a relationship I wasn't even looking for.
Then this weekend I got left out of my friend's birthday party because it was basically a triple dinner date between my three guy friends and their girlfriends. So because I didn't have a date I didn't get the invite, in the guise of sparing my feelings. I'm single, I don't have cancer.
*sigh* I'm sorry, I just wanted to vent a little. And now maybe you guys understand why I take your encouragement and kind words so deep. Because I really, really need something to make me feel better right now. Although some may argue that taking my clothes off for strangers to see wouldn't be the best healing process, it works for me. :]
Now all I need is a permanent photographer/boyfriend and we'll be good to go.
Thank you all, and I hope you're all doing well.
I've honestly never needed it more than I do now.
The set that went up this week was an attempt to make myself feel better after a pretty big let-down last weekend. I'm only okay to talk about it right now. Now, thiis is going to make me sound incredibly stupid, I'm well aware of it. But I hope you wont think less of me.
Last Friday night I went out to Boston to go see my best friend, and go to her boyfriend's gig with her. No drinking for me, I was driving (Im very responsible in that sense haha) but once everyone else ran out of money we went back to their house. That was where I gave in and smoked myself stupid. (Im a BIG fan of the herb, just so you're all aware) Now, I had tried to get a hold of this guy I've been talking to who lives in Boston. I know he travels in to the city every weekend to stay with friends with an apartment in the city. But he didn't respond until about an hour later. By then I had planned on sleeping over my girl's house and just resigning to sleeping alone on a couch. However, he texted me back at the perfect time. Early enough that I could make an excuse to get out of the house without being weird and creeping out in the wee hours of the morning. So I went to his house out in the suburbs. I was so excited to finally get a chance to sit down and have some fun with this kid. I'd never gotten the chance before. It'd always been just the wrong time or with the wrong people. But finally, we were clicking.
And oh boy did we ever click. I didn't go for the home run, but I hit all the bases pretty hard. And he was impressed. Which was awesome. And then once we were done he actually pulled me back onto the couch with him and cuddled up to me. That never, ever happens. I either get the awkward cold shoulder of some boy turning his back to me in bed right after, or we're in a car and drive off, and then I get sent home. I never get my cuddle session afterwards. And here is this boy that I just did some dirty-as-hell things with without any pretense, and he's cuddling with me on his couch. It was so alien and so wonderful, I ended up staying with him until about 3 AM. As I was leaving he kissed the top of my head and told me to text him when I was home safe. And he actually waited up for the 45 minutes it took me to get there. I was giddy for about 12 hours, until I tried talking to him again and he was distant.
Finally, last Tuesday I commented him and asked him why he hated me. And all of a sudden I got this "I'm sorry but I dont even have time for myself right now. I just started a new job and I have school all night. I'm just too tired."
If I get the motherfucking "IM TOO TIRED' excuse for one more goddamn thing. I will rip the culprit's face off with my fingernails. I've gotten the "I'm too tired to fool around" excuse, the "Im too tired to even see you tonight" and the "I'm just tired of keeping this up". FIND A NEW WORD. Fuck you. I mean, I wasn't dumb enough to think that me giving you a blowjob would be enough to make you like me. It was just a little fun I was trying to have, and I figured I could now up the flirting context of our conversations. But you were much more talkative about a month ago. That was all I meant. I didn't think this would spark some whirl-wind romance. We aren't in high school anymore.
However, just the fact that he doesnt even want to talk to me now sickens me. I dont know what I did to break his interest in me. But it had happened well before this incident. I dont know what made me go to his house. Just loneliness and some pent up sexual tension I guess. But I guess I just couldn't handle getting shot down from a relationship I wasn't even looking for.
Then this weekend I got left out of my friend's birthday party because it was basically a triple dinner date between my three guy friends and their girlfriends. So because I didn't have a date I didn't get the invite, in the guise of sparing my feelings. I'm single, I don't have cancer.
*sigh* I'm sorry, I just wanted to vent a little. And now maybe you guys understand why I take your encouragement and kind words so deep. Because I really, really need something to make me feel better right now. Although some may argue that taking my clothes off for strangers to see wouldn't be the best healing process, it works for me. :]
Now all I need is a permanent photographer/boyfriend and we'll be good to go.
Thank you all, and I hope you're all doing well.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
and iv been there with the whole friends leaving you out thing. many a time iv had someones girlfriend ask me if i had a good night, and not knowing what she was talking about she tells me that all my old college friends had a meet up and a night out. nice.
any guy should feel lucky to have a yummy thing like you even talk to them never mind anything else