audio

sometimes i just want to pause my life and have a long cry.
there are two ways to live your life, and no matter which way you choose you will always feel regret, remorse, and some pit in the bottom of your stomach.

the first way to live life is the safe way. always taking the surest path to what you think will make you happy. it's the path that provides few fluctuations: low highs and shallow downs. you'll spend your time daydreaming about bigger and better things but at the end of the night you are still happy to come home and watch survivor and the rest of the thursday night lineup.

the second way is to basically live life falling from a skyscraper. decisions come so fast that what you thought a second earlier no longer applies. emotions are fluid and you're a hurricane inside.

fall is my new year.

what would i have done differently doesn't matter. i daydream about the easy life. the safe life. i miss that in a way.

i regret losing a best friend this past year. so much so that i can't even answer the phone when they call. i feel that my life is so far detached from most people's. i live in a veritable matrix. the things i see and experience i can't talk about at friendly gatherings.


i think about delayed plane rides. the beach. fun dip. fried calamari. death cab for cutie. a time when i thought i wanted to be something but i really just wanted to be anything. long drives. sad drives. phone bills. feeling loved.

oi.

i love you all.
especially you.