too tired to post lately... ergo, i must be gravely ill
its a very bad sign when i can't even work up the interest/energy to procrastinate on work by posting in online journals. is a sign that the fatigue has become drastic. the mental equivalent of a fish beginning to list to one side.
that said, i must be feeling better now - have been sitting at work bored off my head the past several hours, trying to appear awake and professional and diligently read my programming books. all of my coworkers either weren't in or in and out (mostly out) in meetings all day. i psuedo-slept with my head on my hand (head carefully pointed in the general direction of the C# manual) for a while, but it wasn't very satisfying.
the Man is always watching
my coworker has a web cam over his computer that, given the orientation of our desks, points right in my direction. whenever he's not sitting between me and it and it's left there staring openly at me i always wonder whether it's still on. i don't want it capturing shots of my randomly picking things out of my teeth or any of the other myriad unflattering things everybody does from time to time when they think no one is looking. like making repeated illicit pick-ups at the candy bowls that kind people leave out, or such.
but yes, i desperately wished i could go ahead and write a nice long post but was afraid that the Man would know and horrible things would happen to me. so i waited, and read programming stuff, and checked my email every three minutes, and checked the clock every two.
i am currently cherishing the notion that if i just manage to hold out until we move for the summer, i will soon lead what shall be, by comparison, a ridiculously low-stress life. right now i've been desperately trying to maintain consciousness and functionality by eating chocolate i can't afford (which began to prove frighteningly ineffective), but soon enough i won't have to worry about these random unstructured deadlines and where my next meal is coming from and all this horrible clutter. if i can just get to my first paycheck everything will be so much easier...
check out my site for the class of mind-numbing pointlessness: 'nothingatall' Merchandise.
what do you do when a pretty girl just won't stop grinding against you?
last night went to the brown semi-formal. was a good time, wish it'd been longer. i was worried i'd be too tired to do much dancing, but i've been so incredibly deprived of it lately that the mere thought of it made all my exhaustion disappear. danced with the energy of a workout without feeling tired at all. sooooooo good!
there's something i need to figure out - i've had little exposure to the whole bump and grind thing - generally i find it at best a bit cheesy/tacky, at worst, outright distasteful. so: on the dancefloor i was introduced to this attractive girl who danced well, and so we were hanging out together on the dancefloor and talking a bit and such. it took a little while, but eventually i noticed that i was stepping backwards a lot while i was dancing - that i seemed to be kind of backing away from her. struck me as kind of impolite of me, actually. at first i thought that maybe i was having difficulties resolving the difference between comfortable talking space/ the amount of dance space i like, but then i realized that no, it wasn't me - she kept stepping forward as she danced, and i was moving backwards to maintain the distance. so i figured maybe she wanted to be at a closer distance since we were both talking and dancing, and at any rate i didn't like feeling manuvered backwards around the dancefloor - so i consciously stopped moving backwards. and she continued to move forward till she was close enough that she had to step *around* my knee, and started grinding against me!
i feel like such a funny person sometimes... my reactions strike me as rather quaint. we're both still dancing, we've each got a knee between the other's legs and the hems of our short skirts are rubbing against one another and i'm thinking, "aha, that explains it! huh. ...this is unexpected..."
so i kind of alternated between dancingly backing away and attempting to make this grinding thing work. i sound like a horrid sender of mixed signals, but i was finding this whole setup a bit confusing myself. my conflict was set thusly: i could really get into dancing closely with a girl, but the "dancing" part would really need to work at least as well as the "closely" bit - otherwise i end up feeling like i'm just one of those people who make up for lack of dancing ability by humping other's legs on the dancefloor (the sort of politely- [or drunkenly?] ignored spectacle i've only really seen at frat parties, and yay for that.). some people dance closely and make it work, even staying in time with the music, but i personally have a lot of trouble dancing in close quarters. hell, i don't even like trying to do unidirectional dancing, where you dance facing something (such as a band, or the center of one of those 'circle of people dancing' phenomena that spontaneously form at any dance party). it feels overly constraining to me, to dance while always facing one way. hence i make a poor social dancer. not to mention that i can, hallmark-card-like, "dance like nobody is watching" only so long as i'm not actually trying to dance *with* someone. heh.
so yes. so while the girl who was rubbing up against my butt was a good dancer and such, i felt a bit off every time i tried to change directions or turn slightly. we weren't really reading each other's movements very well, i don't think, and so it was like if two decently good singers were doing a duet without being in tune with one another. was mildly concerned about accidentally elbowing her in the face.
was glad to meet her though - she left early, which made me sad, though at the same time i was relieved that i could go back to dancing with nothing but air around me.
so how does one kindly yet clearly decline bumping/grindingness when the person involved is a hot girl who doesn't pick up on body language? with guys it's easier cause i'm not particularly concened about the feelings of non-permission-asking male grinders, but she was sweet, just overly persistant. and yet, this reluctance feels like the kind of thing one ought to express rather than just going along with such things. because if grinding can be tacky, even worse is a half-hearted grinder, a semi-unwilling, torn grinder, which is what i was inside.
which leads to all manner of merciless, internal self-mocking. is all in good sport, understand, and i don't have any self-loathing or hard feelings, but oi, we must learn to communicate with our fellow people! these things do matter!
cupcakes, selfconsciousness and my lack of fun, non-goth clothing
in related news: the little cupcakes with white frosting they had were excellent. sweet and marshmallowy on top, not overly-sugary-so-much-that-it-makes-your-tired-head-buzz-with-pain, which was what i had half-expected. but no, they were surprisingly sweet and smooth and mellow. yum. and rob dale is a really nice guy. he tried to dance with me (he actually knows how to dance - ballroom or swing or somesuch craziness), and i was horribly obtuse about it, but i still had a lot of fun. it's that whole reading-other-people's movements thing again - i'm not at all practiced at it, dancing by myself all the time, but i've done it a little before and i know how it's supposed to work. so i start becoming really self-conscious even as i over-intellectualize it. i'm trying to find my way into the flow of what the other person's doing but if it's fast or fancy i just end up doing the physical equivalent of screaming out "aiiii! i can't hear you-i-don't-know-what-i'm-doing-aiiiyeeeeee..." so you walk away looking a bit sheepish, which makes it hard to express that no, really, you did like it even if you started shrinking into yourself and kind of hunched up like a little bug in a spotlight somewhere into the middle of it...
one of these days i'll learn how to dance with people. course, knowing how to dance by myself means i'll always be able to have fun nonetheless, but still, people are fun and cool.
also: i have no nifty-cool clothing-to-wear-when-dancing that is not goth. or halloween, i guess some of that stuff works. ended up pairing my super-nifty-elf-shirt-that-i-must-find-someone-to-help-me-make-a-pattern-from-so-i-can-make-more-shirts-like-it with the army green short skirt, my boots (my only dancing shoes, unless you count sneakers) and a pair of open-work fishnets. looked cool, but i felt a little outofplace at first. rob dale complimented me on my outfit soon after we came, though, and that's another reason he's a swell guy. yay for not feeling self-conscious about one's clothing like a silly person. i actually liked the combo a lot, it just wasn't much like the pretty dresses and such out there. someday i'll have nice clothes that fit me and when i wear interesting combos it'll be entirely because i chose to and not because i had nothing else decent. i look forward to it. meanwhile, though, that elf shirt is still damn hot and i must make a dancing version of it so it don't ruin the original. it's a lovely fitten linen shirt, i don't want to muss it. it's already got a fake blood stain on one elbow from this idiot girl who brushed into me while dancing last halloween. am still a tad pissy about that but i don't know who that girl was... better for her.
more evidence that fatespawn is a god
realization in these times of trial: fatespawn is a god. no mere mortal could have woken me up and helped me get to classes on time, given the state of exhaustion i've been in this past week. was a fantatistic morning, the other day, when i was opening my eyes (thinking to myself, "my god, i'm opening my eyes... i don't even feel bitter about it. i'm tired, and i'm opening my eyes with the intention of keeping them open for several more hours, and i feel okay about this... they're open - wow.") and the very first thing my eyes focused upon was a tupperware container of warm strawberry & cream oatmeal resting on top of fatespawn's knee ("sustenance! i can do this! ...i'm awake!") and i knew that supernatural forces were at work.
tired as i was, it was glorious and funny and good.
oi, i look forward to the summer.
its a very bad sign when i can't even work up the interest/energy to procrastinate on work by posting in online journals. is a sign that the fatigue has become drastic. the mental equivalent of a fish beginning to list to one side.
that said, i must be feeling better now - have been sitting at work bored off my head the past several hours, trying to appear awake and professional and diligently read my programming books. all of my coworkers either weren't in or in and out (mostly out) in meetings all day. i psuedo-slept with my head on my hand (head carefully pointed in the general direction of the C# manual) for a while, but it wasn't very satisfying.
the Man is always watching
my coworker has a web cam over his computer that, given the orientation of our desks, points right in my direction. whenever he's not sitting between me and it and it's left there staring openly at me i always wonder whether it's still on. i don't want it capturing shots of my randomly picking things out of my teeth or any of the other myriad unflattering things everybody does from time to time when they think no one is looking. like making repeated illicit pick-ups at the candy bowls that kind people leave out, or such.
but yes, i desperately wished i could go ahead and write a nice long post but was afraid that the Man would know and horrible things would happen to me. so i waited, and read programming stuff, and checked my email every three minutes, and checked the clock every two.
i am currently cherishing the notion that if i just manage to hold out until we move for the summer, i will soon lead what shall be, by comparison, a ridiculously low-stress life. right now i've been desperately trying to maintain consciousness and functionality by eating chocolate i can't afford (which began to prove frighteningly ineffective), but soon enough i won't have to worry about these random unstructured deadlines and where my next meal is coming from and all this horrible clutter. if i can just get to my first paycheck everything will be so much easier...
check out my site for the class of mind-numbing pointlessness: 'nothingatall' Merchandise.
what do you do when a pretty girl just won't stop grinding against you?
last night went to the brown semi-formal. was a good time, wish it'd been longer. i was worried i'd be too tired to do much dancing, but i've been so incredibly deprived of it lately that the mere thought of it made all my exhaustion disappear. danced with the energy of a workout without feeling tired at all. sooooooo good!
there's something i need to figure out - i've had little exposure to the whole bump and grind thing - generally i find it at best a bit cheesy/tacky, at worst, outright distasteful. so: on the dancefloor i was introduced to this attractive girl who danced well, and so we were hanging out together on the dancefloor and talking a bit and such. it took a little while, but eventually i noticed that i was stepping backwards a lot while i was dancing - that i seemed to be kind of backing away from her. struck me as kind of impolite of me, actually. at first i thought that maybe i was having difficulties resolving the difference between comfortable talking space/ the amount of dance space i like, but then i realized that no, it wasn't me - she kept stepping forward as she danced, and i was moving backwards to maintain the distance. so i figured maybe she wanted to be at a closer distance since we were both talking and dancing, and at any rate i didn't like feeling manuvered backwards around the dancefloor - so i consciously stopped moving backwards. and she continued to move forward till she was close enough that she had to step *around* my knee, and started grinding against me!
i feel like such a funny person sometimes... my reactions strike me as rather quaint. we're both still dancing, we've each got a knee between the other's legs and the hems of our short skirts are rubbing against one another and i'm thinking, "aha, that explains it! huh. ...this is unexpected..."
so i kind of alternated between dancingly backing away and attempting to make this grinding thing work. i sound like a horrid sender of mixed signals, but i was finding this whole setup a bit confusing myself. my conflict was set thusly: i could really get into dancing closely with a girl, but the "dancing" part would really need to work at least as well as the "closely" bit - otherwise i end up feeling like i'm just one of those people who make up for lack of dancing ability by humping other's legs on the dancefloor (the sort of politely- [or drunkenly?] ignored spectacle i've only really seen at frat parties, and yay for that.). some people dance closely and make it work, even staying in time with the music, but i personally have a lot of trouble dancing in close quarters. hell, i don't even like trying to do unidirectional dancing, where you dance facing something (such as a band, or the center of one of those 'circle of people dancing' phenomena that spontaneously form at any dance party). it feels overly constraining to me, to dance while always facing one way. hence i make a poor social dancer. not to mention that i can, hallmark-card-like, "dance like nobody is watching" only so long as i'm not actually trying to dance *with* someone. heh.
so yes. so while the girl who was rubbing up against my butt was a good dancer and such, i felt a bit off every time i tried to change directions or turn slightly. we weren't really reading each other's movements very well, i don't think, and so it was like if two decently good singers were doing a duet without being in tune with one another. was mildly concerned about accidentally elbowing her in the face.
was glad to meet her though - she left early, which made me sad, though at the same time i was relieved that i could go back to dancing with nothing but air around me.
so how does one kindly yet clearly decline bumping/grindingness when the person involved is a hot girl who doesn't pick up on body language? with guys it's easier cause i'm not particularly concened about the feelings of non-permission-asking male grinders, but she was sweet, just overly persistant. and yet, this reluctance feels like the kind of thing one ought to express rather than just going along with such things. because if grinding can be tacky, even worse is a half-hearted grinder, a semi-unwilling, torn grinder, which is what i was inside.
which leads to all manner of merciless, internal self-mocking. is all in good sport, understand, and i don't have any self-loathing or hard feelings, but oi, we must learn to communicate with our fellow people! these things do matter!
cupcakes, selfconsciousness and my lack of fun, non-goth clothing
in related news: the little cupcakes with white frosting they had were excellent. sweet and marshmallowy on top, not overly-sugary-so-much-that-it-makes-your-tired-head-buzz-with-pain, which was what i had half-expected. but no, they were surprisingly sweet and smooth and mellow. yum. and rob dale is a really nice guy. he tried to dance with me (he actually knows how to dance - ballroom or swing or somesuch craziness), and i was horribly obtuse about it, but i still had a lot of fun. it's that whole reading-other-people's movements thing again - i'm not at all practiced at it, dancing by myself all the time, but i've done it a little before and i know how it's supposed to work. so i start becoming really self-conscious even as i over-intellectualize it. i'm trying to find my way into the flow of what the other person's doing but if it's fast or fancy i just end up doing the physical equivalent of screaming out "aiiii! i can't hear you-i-don't-know-what-i'm-doing-aiiiyeeeeee..." so you walk away looking a bit sheepish, which makes it hard to express that no, really, you did like it even if you started shrinking into yourself and kind of hunched up like a little bug in a spotlight somewhere into the middle of it...
one of these days i'll learn how to dance with people. course, knowing how to dance by myself means i'll always be able to have fun nonetheless, but still, people are fun and cool.
also: i have no nifty-cool clothing-to-wear-when-dancing that is not goth. or halloween, i guess some of that stuff works. ended up pairing my super-nifty-elf-shirt-that-i-must-find-someone-to-help-me-make-a-pattern-from-so-i-can-make-more-shirts-like-it with the army green short skirt, my boots (my only dancing shoes, unless you count sneakers) and a pair of open-work fishnets. looked cool, but i felt a little outofplace at first. rob dale complimented me on my outfit soon after we came, though, and that's another reason he's a swell guy. yay for not feeling self-conscious about one's clothing like a silly person. i actually liked the combo a lot, it just wasn't much like the pretty dresses and such out there. someday i'll have nice clothes that fit me and when i wear interesting combos it'll be entirely because i chose to and not because i had nothing else decent. i look forward to it. meanwhile, though, that elf shirt is still damn hot and i must make a dancing version of it so it don't ruin the original. it's a lovely fitten linen shirt, i don't want to muss it. it's already got a fake blood stain on one elbow from this idiot girl who brushed into me while dancing last halloween. am still a tad pissy about that but i don't know who that girl was... better for her.
more evidence that fatespawn is a god
realization in these times of trial: fatespawn is a god. no mere mortal could have woken me up and helped me get to classes on time, given the state of exhaustion i've been in this past week. was a fantatistic morning, the other day, when i was opening my eyes (thinking to myself, "my god, i'm opening my eyes... i don't even feel bitter about it. i'm tired, and i'm opening my eyes with the intention of keeping them open for several more hours, and i feel okay about this... they're open - wow.") and the very first thing my eyes focused upon was a tupperware container of warm strawberry & cream oatmeal resting on top of fatespawn's knee ("sustenance! i can do this! ...i'm awake!") and i knew that supernatural forces were at work.
tired as i was, it was glorious and funny and good.
oi, i look forward to the summer.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I don't think I've ever had the cute-girl-gringing problem either. I have the problem with guys, but like you said, it's much easier to get rid of guys.
Mmm, cupcakes. I haven't been able to stop eating for the last three days. I have no idea why. I so want a cupcake now. That sounds so good!
Three cheers for Fatespawn!
I'm with Shadowmancer on feeling weird leaving one line comments on your journal. Sometimes I can't think of something really good to say so I just don't say anything. Other times, there's just so much to comment on, I don't know what to say.