aubli

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

am writing a philosophy paper that is not actually giving me any trouble whatsoever. i am the one giving myself all the trouble. am so unfocused, and if i didn't know better i'd think i didn't really care so much about finishing this at all.

or perhaps it's just that i don't care so much about getting any sleep tonight.

am a stubborn sort who didn't feel like focusing even though i was organized enough to know exactly when i should have... have waited till i'm up against the wall to see if that'll do my focusing for me. apparently not. i *guess* it was a worthwhile experiment, kinda...

in other news, am going to apply for full-time position at darden and see if i can't replace the fellow who's leaving - a really nice guy who was the first and one of the friendliest people i know in this place. my boss-who's-really-more-like-a-supervisor-cause-i'm-not-on-the-payroll called me into his office to talk about it today, and i was really nervous. partly because of fatigue, partly because of newly purple bangs, and partly just because i want to do well there so badly that i practically forget to breathe sometimes. so yeah. hope i don't come off as the deer-in-the-headlights that i can feel myself freezing up into sometimes. i swear, though, it would help immensely simply to get out of the closet i work in and into one of the rooms with other people like everybody else... i think i'd be a little less breathless if i didn't feel so much like a peon in the presence of Flash Gods. so yeah. online application. resume. will get to it as soon as i have time to think - aka thursday? perhaps.

i wonder why i don't care about sleeping tonight... it seems like it would be so very worthwhile. my values can't have changed that much, lol. i do wonder if i'm working on getting myself comfortably numb in preparation for spring break visit home, but i'll want to snap out of it. is never so numb nor so comfortable as one might like. plus i've got people i want to enjoy my time with, both here and there - day after tomorrow is fatespawn's birthday (woot!) and then i'll be getting to see xie for several consecutive days! so yes, snap out of it. and write the paper already, you've stalled quite long enough.

wish i really could just disbelieve in the paper and it would go away... like when tinkerbell has drunk the poison and is dying, and you have to clap to revive her... ooooh how quickly and quietly my paper would die, and nobody notice at alll...