aubli

thin girls should not walk about with their shoulders hunched over. it's painful to look at... there were several of them in the gym, and it made me want to morph into a mother figure and go pat them on the shoulder and say "now stand up straight, dear." reminded me of the goths i've seen slouching in gorgeous expensive corsets, how their crumpled, slovenly posture takes the magic right out of their beautiful clothes. i see them and want to steal the clothing right off their backs, because as a person who stands up straight i am somehow more entitled to it. i'd be all about a robin hood division of the fashion police! am such a horrible person sometimes.

my sauna has been reappropriated. i 'd never once seen it turned on in the past year and a half... it's always been dark and cool and close and and quiet and cedar-y. today i checked in on it again and through the closed door you could see a yellow light on inside that reflect back yellower still off the wood of the walls... i opened the door and was greeted again by that uncertain dank smell that, to my nose, nearly overcomes the cedar. the space felt slightly warm, but not properly enough for a sauna... am annoyed at these swimmer types for doing this. i want it to be just for me again. and it really was - i remember a day i was sitting in it and some random perkyish exercise girl opened the door and poked her nose in and looked straight at where i was sitting. i was a little taken aback and not looking forward to having to explain myself, but she just said "eww, it's dark" and walked off again without ever noticing me sitting there. and i relaxed back into the darkness... was very nice. it reminds me of the fairytale about the goosegirl, which i must look up again sometime...

am working on my flash stuff - i'm hoping to have it done in time to submit to the salmagundi film festival, whenever that'll be. it is, essentially, a self portrait in dreams - i'm taking all the dreams i can remember having since i was born - the ones that have stuck with me over some length of time - and animating them and stringing them together into a short film. is nicely segmented in a way that i hope will give me enough positive feedback/feelings of accomplishment to make it through all the way. it'll have an animation of my experience with the ghost i may or may not have dreamed up but still remember seeing, from way back before my sister Xie was born... my repeated childhood nightmare, one of the only black and white dream i can remember, where i was an explorer in an old-time dinosaur movie... a lucid dream i had in sixth grade which may very well be my most memorable dream ever, in which some boogieman fellow was intent on raping me and, being lucid, i tried with some frustration to explain to him that since i didn't know what rape was (i was a really sheltered kid and all i knew about rape was a general sense that it was scary and bad) there was no way he could do that, since it was my dream and i simply wouldn't be able to envision it...

plus i'm gonna try and get away from flash's cartoon-y looking tendancies by making it photographic. i hope that doesn't have it's own unfortunate stylistic consequences, but we shall see. i really think it'll be cool indeed, if i can only stay motivated. since i'm making all the photographic images from photoshopped combinations of pics off the internet, it takes far longer than one might hope to compose the simplest of shots.

i'm going to sleep now. g'night.