it's been such a very odd day...
noteables:
- dreamed i was one of four people (i think we were boys in some scenes, but it kind of flickered a bit) who were enslaved by an (italian?) mob boss and had to work in the mob-owned mansion. we stayed and worked out of fear, because we knew the mob boss would send people to kill us by hitting us in the head with hammers (the dream was very specific on the point) if we tried to leave. there was a girl who'd also been captured and was working as a maid (complete with frilly maid's outfit... weird) - i'd assumed that since she was like us she'd be friendly, but actually she was jealous of us (the friendship between us four?) or perhaps just angry, and was secretly plotting to kill me. i was tipped off on this by the butler, who was also a captured worker but had been there a long time and managed to ingratiate himself well with the boss and so had more priviledges and knew the ropes of the place. it was very tense, living in the mob boss' house. after i found out about the maid's plot to kill me, that was the last straw, and the four of us decided to try and escape no matter what the consequences. i think the butler was somewhat willing to help us - we set up a drop point where he'd leave us supplies. when we snuck out to get the supplies and flee off into the woods, a mob hit man was hiding in the nook of the drop off point, waiting for us, and threw his hammer at us, and we were cowed and went back, because we knew the mob was everywhere and they obviously already knew about our plans to escape and were toying with us and it would be better just to resign ourselves quickly and hope that they tolerated our mistake. but then we tried again shortly afterwards, and i think i woke up while we were tearing into the woods tripping all over stumps and brambles hoping to find our way to somewhere we could hide...
usually i can't help but try and interpret dreams, but anywhere i jump with this one just seems laughable. wtf? the only thing that makes sense is the fact that there were four of us. if my subconscious represented my mom as a frilly-hatted french maid i may just have to shoot myself.
- ate breakfast with fatespawn... huzzah for short omlette lines. and a friend of ours was there too... she looks so much like a princess. perhaps it's partly in the way she carries herself, but it's really striking.
- found out that the mother who often makes me feel like i might be some kind of anorexic freak actually weighs less than i do. partly because of this, i have decided that she can never make me feel at all uncertain about this again. i'm healthy, thanks, and pissed off at your freakdom.
- moved up to doing bicep curls with 15 pound weights. i'm no longer toned buff... i'm moving into, uh, defined buff, i guess. or something like that. is no question of whether or not i have biceps now, they are there, and quite pleasing to the eye. at least mine - they make me grin. i am vain!
- realized i seem to be no closer to actually doing a pull-up. is my fault for focusing on the exercises that give me lovely new biceps. perhaps will now attempt to redirect myself...
- was really flighty, all day long... i keep checking journals over and over - it's more than procrastination - i think i miss people.
- had an IM conversation with ex-boyfriendish person. was kind of good, in that it wasn't bad... the few talks we've had have been a bit repetative, though - the gist is that i'm okay with talking with him electronically but don't want to get anywhere near to seeing him/spending time together in real life. i'm still way too distrustful and confused (and angry) to see him face to face, because i've been working really hard on opening up lately but with him, well, i'd want to have a poker face constantly standing between him and me. since i'm not sure how well mine is working nowadays, it's better just to steer the hell clear. he says he's changed a lot, but he's still not a person i ever want to show any form of emotional weakness in front of, whether it be anger or tears. in order to see him and still not do that would require me to close myself wholly off, to shut down everything that i've worked to uncover all this time. and what would be the point for either of us, to see each other in person while i desperately tried to relocate my actual *self* - all my thoughts and feelings - to some other safe place? for his part, he says he regrets that i "took the worst brunt of [his] sickness, whether really know that or not..." so he feels guilty, i guess, and he also says it saddens him that we probably won't ever be able to be friends, and were never really friends in the first place. it was a weird relationship. and i don't think i'll ever be able to straighten that out with myself, because i ended up treating it like some dangerous foreign matter that had gotten lodged under my skin - i encapsulated it at best i could in a toughened shell that i'm not about to rupture open again. quarantined. perhaps in time it'll go away like a large splinter, sliding out in a bit of puss and blood, hurting for a moment but instantly feeling better and not even leaving a scar. i'd love to think so.
- i've got to stop being so flighty all the time now and learn to focus again. i think i really just want to be working with other people again on some grand endeavor. mage might do it a little, but i'd also like something a little more concrete...
- ah, speaking of which - made this weird big collage-sculpture type thing for art, which i get to carry to class tomorrow and will probably have to explain to people. hope that goes okay - i think sometimes i dig a little deeper than i'm meant to in such things and wind up feeling nothing but foolish. though it was nice to have the feeling of wet paint on my fingers. but i'm still digital art all the way!
- ha, another random add-on as i try to close this up - there's a certain deserted sauna that i like - it's dark and enfolding and smells all of cedar. is a very comforting place. so i went there earlier today when i was feeling pissed off about various things and sad about others. but when i closed the door and sat down, it smelled not so much of cedar as it did of decay. made me very sad. i'd seen this naked old lady (probably coming from the swimming pool) pass by as i went over, and the door to the sauna had been left open, so perhaps she did it somehow? at any rate, i hope it gets better...
noteables:
- dreamed i was one of four people (i think we were boys in some scenes, but it kind of flickered a bit) who were enslaved by an (italian?) mob boss and had to work in the mob-owned mansion. we stayed and worked out of fear, because we knew the mob boss would send people to kill us by hitting us in the head with hammers (the dream was very specific on the point) if we tried to leave. there was a girl who'd also been captured and was working as a maid (complete with frilly maid's outfit... weird) - i'd assumed that since she was like us she'd be friendly, but actually she was jealous of us (the friendship between us four?) or perhaps just angry, and was secretly plotting to kill me. i was tipped off on this by the butler, who was also a captured worker but had been there a long time and managed to ingratiate himself well with the boss and so had more priviledges and knew the ropes of the place. it was very tense, living in the mob boss' house. after i found out about the maid's plot to kill me, that was the last straw, and the four of us decided to try and escape no matter what the consequences. i think the butler was somewhat willing to help us - we set up a drop point where he'd leave us supplies. when we snuck out to get the supplies and flee off into the woods, a mob hit man was hiding in the nook of the drop off point, waiting for us, and threw his hammer at us, and we were cowed and went back, because we knew the mob was everywhere and they obviously already knew about our plans to escape and were toying with us and it would be better just to resign ourselves quickly and hope that they tolerated our mistake. but then we tried again shortly afterwards, and i think i woke up while we were tearing into the woods tripping all over stumps and brambles hoping to find our way to somewhere we could hide...
usually i can't help but try and interpret dreams, but anywhere i jump with this one just seems laughable. wtf? the only thing that makes sense is the fact that there were four of us. if my subconscious represented my mom as a frilly-hatted french maid i may just have to shoot myself.
- ate breakfast with fatespawn... huzzah for short omlette lines. and a friend of ours was there too... she looks so much like a princess. perhaps it's partly in the way she carries herself, but it's really striking.
- found out that the mother who often makes me feel like i might be some kind of anorexic freak actually weighs less than i do. partly because of this, i have decided that she can never make me feel at all uncertain about this again. i'm healthy, thanks, and pissed off at your freakdom.
- moved up to doing bicep curls with 15 pound weights. i'm no longer toned buff... i'm moving into, uh, defined buff, i guess. or something like that. is no question of whether or not i have biceps now, they are there, and quite pleasing to the eye. at least mine - they make me grin. i am vain!
- realized i seem to be no closer to actually doing a pull-up. is my fault for focusing on the exercises that give me lovely new biceps. perhaps will now attempt to redirect myself...
- was really flighty, all day long... i keep checking journals over and over - it's more than procrastination - i think i miss people.
- had an IM conversation with ex-boyfriendish person. was kind of good, in that it wasn't bad... the few talks we've had have been a bit repetative, though - the gist is that i'm okay with talking with him electronically but don't want to get anywhere near to seeing him/spending time together in real life. i'm still way too distrustful and confused (and angry) to see him face to face, because i've been working really hard on opening up lately but with him, well, i'd want to have a poker face constantly standing between him and me. since i'm not sure how well mine is working nowadays, it's better just to steer the hell clear. he says he's changed a lot, but he's still not a person i ever want to show any form of emotional weakness in front of, whether it be anger or tears. in order to see him and still not do that would require me to close myself wholly off, to shut down everything that i've worked to uncover all this time. and what would be the point for either of us, to see each other in person while i desperately tried to relocate my actual *self* - all my thoughts and feelings - to some other safe place? for his part, he says he regrets that i "took the worst brunt of [his] sickness, whether really know that or not..." so he feels guilty, i guess, and he also says it saddens him that we probably won't ever be able to be friends, and were never really friends in the first place. it was a weird relationship. and i don't think i'll ever be able to straighten that out with myself, because i ended up treating it like some dangerous foreign matter that had gotten lodged under my skin - i encapsulated it at best i could in a toughened shell that i'm not about to rupture open again. quarantined. perhaps in time it'll go away like a large splinter, sliding out in a bit of puss and blood, hurting for a moment but instantly feeling better and not even leaving a scar. i'd love to think so.
- i've got to stop being so flighty all the time now and learn to focus again. i think i really just want to be working with other people again on some grand endeavor. mage might do it a little, but i'd also like something a little more concrete...
- ah, speaking of which - made this weird big collage-sculpture type thing for art, which i get to carry to class tomorrow and will probably have to explain to people. hope that goes okay - i think sometimes i dig a little deeper than i'm meant to in such things and wind up feeling nothing but foolish. though it was nice to have the feeling of wet paint on my fingers. but i'm still digital art all the way!
- ha, another random add-on as i try to close this up - there's a certain deserted sauna that i like - it's dark and enfolding and smells all of cedar. is a very comforting place. so i went there earlier today when i was feeling pissed off about various things and sad about others. but when i closed the door and sat down, it smelled not so much of cedar as it did of decay. made me very sad. i'd seen this naked old lady (probably coming from the swimming pool) pass by as i went over, and the door to the sauna had been left open, so perhaps she did it somehow? at any rate, i hope it gets better...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
nick42:
welcome to the site!
da_last_prince:
Hey, thats some dream and wow, the thing about the sauna was kind of heavy. I liked your picture where your getting a good laugh with your friend. 
