atti

I have spent a good amount of the last three years writing blogs about how dropping out of college and subsequent events shortly following, changed my life forever. I've written about how I have tried to move forward and get myself out of the very large hole I had dug myself. Well, today as I was riding the subway for two hours through the heart of Seoul, I had come to the decision that I need to make a phone call to my school to see if I can get the ball rolling. One more class. Those three monosyllabic words are simple but deadly. It's scary to think that I was that close to having a completely different life than the one I currently lead.

There's only one problem with this path to redemption... I am having the hardest time picking up the phone. Dialing that number is like opening up a door to the past; a past in which I was a successful, intelligent and motivated individual. It was a life in which everything was going well for me until I made the ultimate choice to drop out. I suppose there is more to it than just one single decision... more like a line of decisions, backed by depression and influenced by alcohol. Yet as I stare at the phone, I'm afraid to face those demons. It constantly haunts me. I dream about what I was like when I was 22 and 23 which always leaves me in tears.

I want closure. Closure for my past sins and misgivings. Yet with the risk of this closure comes the possibility that they will not let me back into school. My psychologist also told me that credits may void after a certain amount of time away from the academic institution. I can't even begin to think what I would do if someone told me that four years of my college life was for nothing. That is what is scaring me away from picking up the phone. I do not want to be told that my life up to this point was for nothing; that all the knowledge, expertise and experience I have acquired is just validated in my mind instead of on paper. I think that part of this is about validation.. validation in the eyes of my peers, my friends and family and ultimately myself. A diploma may be just a piece of paper,and that paper can be destroyed just like any other tangible object, but damn would it be good to look at.

The question "what move do I make next?" is floating around in my mind and as my four day weekend comes to a close and another mundane work week approaches, I dread going back to work with people that I care nothing for and have not one thing in common. I crave intelligent relationships. The last sixteen months of my life has taught me that I won't find that in the Army and also in Korea.


El Fin.