atti

On this Saturday night, I find myself awake while my comrades are in their warm beds asleep. My insomnia has decided to exert itself in full force once again. The result of this being me digging through old blogs and hand-written journal entries. I suppose you could call it nostalgia or rather a re-examination of days passed. Days when I had other things stressing me out: school, work, relationships, etc. As time evolved and the years rolled forward, these seemingly important issues have faded into the abyss and left me standing alone in the present, facing a new challenge... myself.

I took a moment this morning to stare at myself in the mirror, and all I felt was this overwhelming sense of discontent. I can say with utmost certainty that this feeling does not come from any disregard for myself but rather the fact that there is so much potential within this frame of mine; a potential so raw and so elemental that it shakes me to my core.

I knew as a boy that I could do whatever I wanted with my life. What child's development isn't encouraged by the notion of such limitless possibilities. Yet the novelty of the idea slowly died off and all that was left was the harsh reality that sometimes our dreams and desires are put on hold in the present. Sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently. Life does not always go according to plan. The Universe taught me this harsh lesson when I dropped out of college just before obtaining my diploma, an event that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Life lessons aren't learned right away. Sometimes it takes years for the full scope of one's situation to sink in and become clear.

The last sixteen months has been the most arduous and grueling of my life. I have found myself bend and stretch in ways that I could never have thought possible. These "modifications" have not come without a price. The things I have endured have left their lasting impression with me, and I will take them with me until the time comes when I go to sleep for the last time and never awake.

Yet if being here in this moment in time is what earns me the right to go home and pick up the shattered pieces of my life then sadly that is the only course of action that I can take. Tip-toeing my way through these shards of broken glass has become a daily routine; a habit that I would like to break.

I sit here with a warm cup of tea in my hand as Midnight tolls, ushering another day closer to leaving this place; this moment. My companion, Insomnia, sits next to me, as if to listen to my problems. We both have the time... plenty of time.

Bonne nuit