atti

I'm afraid today, boys and girls, that I don't have much of anything good to say about the comings and goings of my life. The last few days I've been in a funk and its no surprise to me at all. I've been having some problems coping since day 1 that I have been in Korea. I've done everything within my power to bury those feelings because I am afraid to confront them and also to get help. I did try to go talk to a counselor on one of the bases here and it was a joke. I felt like just some number... some random person without any sort of personal connection. That made me want to retreat even farther into my mind and not tell a soul what is going on. I also don't want to tell others because really.. I hate it when people dismiss my concerns with the slightest or ease without even listening to what I'm saying. Chalking up my statements to some half-cooked theory that they don't even understand. Stereotypes and broad generalizations are my greatest pet peeve and when I get attacked in such a manner it makes me want to run. I have had the feeling of running for the last month. Like I need to get out of here. Whether or not I would actually do that is another story, but that un-ending feeling is sooo dominant right now.

On top of that I'm having some other very terrible thoughts that I have been trying to deal with for the better part of two months. These thoughts are more... harmful to myself. It's tough to even admit that I am having these thoughts, but there is a strong family of people on this site that I trust more than I trust people that are around me or even my own family. I'm not sure what to do and I'm afraid of what would happen if I alerted my superiors to these thoughts. I have never felt this stressed or this sense of impending doom like I have felt these last few days. Korea, my roommate, being away from home, not really connecting with anyone here, among other personal issues are weighing me down heavily.

Sorry for such a debbie downer of a blog entry today, but holy fuck do I feel like shit. I feel hopeless. I've been fighting tears for the past ten minutes while I have been writing this because of the douche that is in the room with me. Mother fucker.

If people want me to be more specific about certain things then by all means write me a private message. I'm too afraid to go into anymore detail on a public blog.