atti

First of all... brrr. It's freezing here. It got down to 22 last night here in the heartland and I was freezing my skinny ass off. Mother Nature pretty much bitched slapped me and said, "welcome to winter, fucker." Thanks nature, I love you too.

I got a retail job for now. Full time.. just so I can pay the bills. Its not what I want to be doing, but hey its bringing in the money so I can spend it. We also got a Wii yesterday and have been playing it nonstop. I'll be in shape in no time and those pounds (whatever pounds I have) are just melting away.

I've been doing some writing as well in my free time. Its nothing great or spectacular, its more just my feelings and observations lately expressed in poem form. Usually after I write a string of poems I either delete them or throw them away because they either weren't good enough to save or they served the purpose of letting me vent my frustrations.

Oh by the way, the situation with the girl is pretty much over. I went up there last friday to hang out with her. We had definite plans to spend the night together, which after I bothered half a dozen people for a ride an hour north to see her, the plans changed drastically. It was no longer just the two of us hanging out, it was her three other roommates and their friends.. which is fine because I get along with her three roommates. The thing that got me was that my girl made other plans when I was right there at her house in front of me.... I felt kind of discarded and dejected. Glad I made the effort to come up there. On top of that I had a whopping ten dollars to my name. Great... just great. So after sitting at her house, watching her drink and toke up for a few hours... I had no desire to partake in anything that was going on... I just sat there and said nothing. Their neighbors were having a keg, which was four guys and they were macking on my girl and her roommates while I was sitting there. All the more reason to get the hell out of there.

It was a mood killer to say the least. So one of the people there was going to Des Moines for a show and I hopped a ride back with him. He was an awesome guy who I had numerous good conversations with on the trip down. So suffice it to say, I was in Ames for all of the three hours, wasting my time. After the first hour, I was thinking to myself "i just want to go home. this isn't worth it."

I felt crushed under my the weight of my heart sinking deeper into my chest. The one time that I thought I found something real and unconditional just ended up like all the rest, but then again if something seems too good to be true.. it usually is. Too bad my head was lost in the clouds to keep some kind of objectivity on the whole thing. That is what it means to be human I guess. Once the chemicals in our brain and the thoughts flying through our mind at light speed get their hands on you, its over. Its a matter of time before either reason kicks you in the balls and snaps you out of the fantasy or something worse happens.

The relationships that constantly challenge you and your partner are the ones that you know will work out. There are no free rides. The situations I've come across in which people are all smiles and no heartache are just fooling themselves because its never just gum drops and candy canes all the time. Sometimes you have to deal with the shit that builds up for months and years. I'm going to be single forever.