atti

Monday morning, the start of the new week. At 340 am, I"m laying here in the dark, with only the glow of the laptop to guide my words to the screen. I always turn on The Album Leaf when I'm sleeping and/or writing, so right now I'm surrounded by it's ambient melodies. In three hours I'll be at work, in the grocery story,working in the dairy dept, stocking milk and other assorted healthy things on the shelves for eight hours at a time. God, I hate my life. I've been tracing back the last year, following the steps, one by one, to the point where I am now and it's almost mathematical. Very formulaic. Makes me laugh almost at how it fell so "neatly" into place. Yet from here it seems so empty, like a void: a cold, vast nothingness. The days are passing by faster and faster with no measurable progress at all. Not towads anything good or anything bad, I'm just floating along, hoping I bump into something. Yet, for some reason I feel as if I'm reaching out for something, but am too blind to see it. Unless it falls from the sky, I fear I may never come to know what I'm yearning for. Such is the journey called life.

The last week has been rather arduous mentally. Increasing negative thoughts; thoughts I really shouldn't be happening. Questioning my life.. questioning the past. Pretty much thoughts that aren't healthy nor helpful in getting me to a better place in my life. I know my therapist would say something along the lines of "how do you get past that moment?" After two months in therapy I'm convinced therapy is a crock. Or at least it's not for me. I have no problem talking about myself, but how can someone that has not experienced exactly what I have be able to offer any constructive opinions that would render any useful outcome? Thats why I don't feel that I'm making any headway whatsoever. Just one big mental clusterfuck in which I sit there, giving commentary on my life..like I"m in my own personal "Wonder Years." Minus the fact I'm not getting paid for it, nor enjoying it. Having so much time to analyze and then re-analyze your mistakes and decisions only makes you so lost in yourself that you are more backwards then when you started.

My therapist tells me to reserve judgements on my "down days" and wait to see what the next day brings. To me it doesn't seem that I ever get to make a positive judgement since the days snowball on themselves almost. Sorry I feel like i'm beating a dead emo horse here over and over. I haven't written a blog, nor talked to many people lately so this is my vent, my release... my virtual Garden State yell scene. If I didn't live in the vicinity of 200 people I would open my window and shout my "barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world" as Walt Whiman stated. I use whats available to me, a computer, blog and a quasi finished English degree which is collecting dust.

And like so many other points in my life, the opening line of Dante's Inferno seems to accurately portray how I feel about where I am right now. I end my entry with it for you to dwell on.

"In the middle of the journey of our lives, I found myself lost in a dark wood, where the straight road had been lost."