This morning I awoke to a freezing chill creeping up my leg and spine, sobering me awake from last night's outting to my favorite bar, which was completely dead for a Tuesday night. I sat there; motionless, only moving to pick up the cold, frothy beer in my hand and take a sweet drink, hoping that it would do something for my loneliness. A terrible motivation for drinking, but alas I had some misguided thoughts that it would. It did not. After a few rounds I came to the conclusion that I am not really helping anything so I left. Completely sober, I drove home, entered my empty apt and found myself back at my desk pondering life.
At this point I came to the conclusion that I was miserable. A harsh realization really, finding out that you can finally admit it to yourself that you are in a low point of your life. No matter, I cracked open a drink (non-alcoholic I swear) and decided to ponder this new discovery. I had no idea why I was so sad, I mean I had just failed out of college, lost any respect from my parents and found myself mostly alone for a few people that still were willing to give me support despite the actions of the past week.
I know in my heart that I have little motivation in comparison to a lot of people that I know. I get up in the morning and go to my computer looking to see if anyone has sent me an email, a message or left me a comment on something I wrote. It's almost that I'm hoping for something, what I have no clue but there is some sort of instinctual force behind my hope. I guess hope could be considered a type of motivation. Alas, nothing comes up that perks me up. I take a stab or two at doing some poems, a modest effort at best, but nonetheless I am flexing that old achy muscle in my head called "creativity" in the hopes of using it for more than just to collect dust.
It's almost noon already. Half a day has come and gone, and I sit here in my pajamas, slightly shivering, but have no intention of getting up to get a shirt. My friend, Gerry is on his way up here, with his young girlfriend. Almost a slap in the face for me. But can't be a downer while he is in town. If anything I should draw on his confidence because God knows he is in abundance. Oh well. I may try to write some things down in a new story idea I've been bouncing around, but we'll see. I take things one second at a time nowadays.
I apologize in advance for such a sappy entry. I know in this season of "good-tidings" that it should be happy times with the family and getting presents, celebrating the birth of Jesus. While I am a religious man I feel down. Since most likely I will be spending my christmas here in Ames alone, I'm just down. So I apologize to those that I've taken my frustrations out on because its not your fault. And I do appreciate the love and support from those that have given it. As for now a shower awaits me, I hope that on the other side something awaits that is better than shivering in a cold room. Take care everyone.
At this point I came to the conclusion that I was miserable. A harsh realization really, finding out that you can finally admit it to yourself that you are in a low point of your life. No matter, I cracked open a drink (non-alcoholic I swear) and decided to ponder this new discovery. I had no idea why I was so sad, I mean I had just failed out of college, lost any respect from my parents and found myself mostly alone for a few people that still were willing to give me support despite the actions of the past week.
I know in my heart that I have little motivation in comparison to a lot of people that I know. I get up in the morning and go to my computer looking to see if anyone has sent me an email, a message or left me a comment on something I wrote. It's almost that I'm hoping for something, what I have no clue but there is some sort of instinctual force behind my hope. I guess hope could be considered a type of motivation. Alas, nothing comes up that perks me up. I take a stab or two at doing some poems, a modest effort at best, but nonetheless I am flexing that old achy muscle in my head called "creativity" in the hopes of using it for more than just to collect dust.
It's almost noon already. Half a day has come and gone, and I sit here in my pajamas, slightly shivering, but have no intention of getting up to get a shirt. My friend, Gerry is on his way up here, with his young girlfriend. Almost a slap in the face for me. But can't be a downer while he is in town. If anything I should draw on his confidence because God knows he is in abundance. Oh well. I may try to write some things down in a new story idea I've been bouncing around, but we'll see. I take things one second at a time nowadays.
I apologize in advance for such a sappy entry. I know in this season of "good-tidings" that it should be happy times with the family and getting presents, celebrating the birth of Jesus. While I am a religious man I feel down. Since most likely I will be spending my christmas here in Ames alone, I'm just down. So I apologize to those that I've taken my frustrations out on because its not your fault. And I do appreciate the love and support from those that have given it. As for now a shower awaits me, I hope that on the other side something awaits that is better than shivering in a cold room. Take care everyone.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
striped_eclair:
I feel your pain, really I do 
misskristin:
You said a lot of things in this entry that most people are afraid to admit. I fully respect you for that and have to admit that I basically do the same, though would rarely admit it.