atomrobenz

Roommates out of town for one week which has been great. Now it's time to be alone and to think. Coffee and chainsmoking all day, two bottles of chilean wine at night, pockets stuffed with random scribblings. Needless to say, i'm depressed. and i think i know why. 2004 has been a great year for me, i've accomplished so much, and have grown in so many different ways. so far it has been my greatest year.
But I didn't realize until after the 1st of this year how painful it all was as well. when I turned 20 my life began to go in a completely different direction than originally intended. I fell deeply in love got engaged, normal apartment, normal job, fuck distant and hard to reach dreams, igotitallright here!! after four years(3 wonderful,1miserable) and a breakup, jumped back on original path and hit it hard. worked so hard and ignored everything trivial. Now i realize a lot of those things were not as trivial as i thought at the time. and in the course of the last year i might of really hurt other people as well. A boy raised bywomen who have instilled nothing but love respect and admiration, became one of "those guys." All I can say is that it wasn't out of anger, just apathy. My thoughts were elsewhere. But they all were beautiful and wonderful creatures that will hopefully find good strong partners in life. And they all derserve flowers after all the bullshit i've pulled. It is my time now to be sad now, and to regret and reflect on a lot of things. Life is still beautiful, even when it hurts.