atomrobenz

fuck i'm blocked. nothing happening, nothing formulating,nothing,nothing. man that word feels so perfectly devestating right now. well's that's slightly exaggerated i'm just sort of bummed. i knew this would happen too. I talked about it in too many drunkin conversations, over too many cups of denny's watered down house blend, chainsmoking brand names that are becoming more and more generic with my steadily diminishing bank account. In hollywood every shitty comic that i know or associate with is popping out one horrible screenplay or projest after another. Giving me copies of first and second drafts, asking for my opinion. Like I even know what the fuck I'm talking about. They're a bunch of thirty-somethings who have been cirulating throughout this industry for years, and have connections, and blah blah blah. Why do they care about what I have to say?! I just play the role of the young bright eyed comic. Smiling innocently like a total jackass and
bullshiting my way threw every one-sided(usually there side)
conversation, "yeah, that's good, i like that, that's funny, to be completely 'honest' others have in fact taken that kind of approach to that type of situation but you've definately made it your own!" "honesty" leaving the picture a long time ago. I can't be real with people anymore. And it sucks. It starting to wear me down. I don't know if I genuinely don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, or if i simply want them to hold thier high opinions of me. A respect that i earned the first time i went up on stage at an open mic and I am trying way to hard to keep. " Man, you see this kid Danny? This kid is fuckin great!!! Edgey stuff but great stuff! Man I wish I had th guts to try that! Hey, let's show him that thing we're working on, we need an honest opinion." Who ever thought comedy could make one feel so sad. I keep trying to tell myself I'm doing great stuff, and I should stop being so damn critical of myself and everybody else. but it's tough. Stand up isn't something i want to get famous for, or gain loads of recognition for my so called act. I just want to make people laugh. Peoples faces are so beautiful when they laugh, so young and perfect, like they're wearing there souls on the outside for a brief second. That should always be my goal, fuck all of that trivial hack comedy non-sense that I become so obsessed over! I simply love making people laugh. I loved making my mom laugh, she felt so alone raising me and my little sister and was always so stressed out, and when i wasn't in trouble being most of the cause of the stress. I would wait until after she got her heels off, and poured herself a glass of wine and would do my thing. Her laughter was perfect, like if you could actually hear angels laughing ( as corny as that sounds ) it would sound like that. That was the only time i could get away with any "naughty" humor with her. She was and still is very well spoken and proper, but sometimes she I would say some pretty offensive stuff and she couldn't help but laugh. At first she would bite her bottom lip, " Adam, we do not say that in this home." and then she'd burst into laughter. I loved making my ex-girlfriend laugh. We were young and in love and engaged and living together and yadda yadda ( you probably know the scenario) But we of course were very stressed out and broke, she developed many medical problems due to her bouts with anxiety. But many of those days when we would come home from a long and miserable day at the jobs we hated, I would put her on my lap and sit us both down on our love seat, which is kind of tough for two tall people to get totally confortable on togethter and do my thing ( immitate some of the idiots at both of our jobs, singing her the most saccharine carpenter-esque love songs) and her laughter was (once again) angelic. That's what I want to do forever.
I have many goals and ambitions in life as far as art,film,etc.
All I have to do is focus on what I tuly love in life and spending as much time as i can nurturing those special things. Cheap acrylics, sharpies and marble compositions, time spent with my beautiful family and friends, all of the amazing women in my life past,present, future, and late night pacings and sribbelings for my next set open mic or otherwise. Now I feel better. Sorry if iranted a little at first, but you guys know how things can get sometimes. Happy New Year!!!!