atomh8

I figured I'd do an update in English, because I'm going to be putting my French education on hold for the next little while.

I'm going to be moving to Asia sometime in the New Year. Most likely in either Taiwan or Korea, I'm not sure which yet. I had an interview with a company in Taiwan tonight, I should hear from them by Tuesday. I had an interview with a company in Korea last Tuesday and they've offered me two different contracts to pick from. I'm not sure if I'm going to take them though. I'm not really interested in the cities they're located in, although the money is particularly good for one of them.

Thats not why I'm updating though.

I'm visiting family for the holidays, and while here I learned that an old friend of mine killed himself last fall.

I remember the last time I talked to him he had just started at a new school and was telling me about how he lost a bet, and had to walk around a bar butt naked holding a coffee cup in front of his dick. Yeah, he was the kind of guy without humility, the kind of guy who could have gone anywhere or do anything. I remember the two of us skipped out of high school to go get our first tattoos together.

That's the kind of guy I remember. I don't understand how he could have become the kind of guy to just give up. I'm picturing two very different people now, because I respect the person I remember way to much to believe that he would become suicidal.

We hadn't spoken in some time, and I always thought it was because he was doing something really cool and just didn't have time for old friends. He was too. I'm half the man he was. He was in the midst of doing a masters degree, traveled all over, had a great girlfriend, plenty of friends. Really a stand up guy. You can read more about him here.

I heard he left a note. It said that he was depressed, that he felt like a failure, that he felt like he didn't have the right to live. He said he didn't want to continue to be a burden and a disappointment to those he cared about. WTF? He made the world a better place, and everyone that knew him was lucky to do so.

I need to believe that there's someone to blame other than him here. Maybe he was pushed too hard by society. Maybe his gf cheated on him. Maybe he found out he was terminally ill and just wanted to get it over with. I have to believe that there was a catalyst to this. I can't believe my friend would see himself this way. If this is the way he saw himself, if he thought that someone as great as himself didn't have a right to exist, than why the fuck haven't I offed myself?

Thats why I can't believe this person who burned himself alive was the person who I consider one of the greatest friends I'll ever have.

Maybe if someone voiced their respect for him he wouldn't have done it? Maybe I should quit pussyfooting around, and tell some of the people in my life that I love them and that I think they're the fucking bees knees. I don't want to lose more people to fucking stupid insecurities. Fuck them.