aster

i'm in a weird mood. my coworker left work early yesterday after finding out that two of his friends from the band Compromise were killed in a car accident while touring in Alabama. it was in the paper this morning and now all i can think about is death and what if i turn into one of those creepy people who never leave the house because they're afraid of everything. fucking hell.

my parents are obsessed with death. they are 53 and 59, but they think they are REALLY OLD and are about to die at any moment. "sigh...well, everything we buy is going to be yours soon anyway." "i might have another ten years to live...sigh...this will be my last car." "well, we're old now and we can't do the things we used to...sigh...sigh." i know they're getting older and it's important understand the aging process, etc., etc., but it really prevents them from being happy in the present.

my grandma is exactly the same way, and yet she's still alive, survived several strokes, and just had her 82nd birthday. in fact, she seems to be doing better all the time, despite her whining...flirting with "cute young men" at her church (we're talking 60 year olds), threatening to "dump my walker and throw myself into the street" if the family doesn't pay more attention to her, and giving words of advice to me when i was an extra in a movie last year ("as long as it's not one of those movies where you have to take your clothes off"). imagine a little, round, wrinkly chinese lady with a hump snarling and yelling at you and waving a cane around...that's my grandma. i love her.

anyway, i'm always making jokes, trying to cheer them up, make them laugh and see how ridiculously mopey they can get sometimes, but it's not easy because it's affecting me too. every time the phone rings a thought flashes through my mind that maybe someone's died.