It seems my anxiety has come back full force and i'm really struggling with how to cope with it.
If i could describe to you how it feels... it's like butterflies in your stomach. But not the good butterflies. More like those Mexican Killer Butterflies that bite away at your flesh, trying their best to fly all at once up and out of your mouth but get stuck in your throat. You're on the verge of having that panic attack, suddenly thinking your lungs are about to fail on you....and that feeling of terror that lingers for ages makes you feel like you're on your own to deal with it. And then you cry and you cry and you cry.
That paranoia, the OCD, the death wishes. It's draining. And nearly every time it happens in front of people, i attempt at trying to hide it.
It's fucking horrible.
I know this is just a low point that will pass but i can't seem to push aside how much i want the ground to swallow me up sometimes. It's nothing new. I've had it from the age of 13 but the realization of it coming back like this has really fucked with my head.
I feel awful that people have to deal with my ridiculous moods a lot of the time but i can't help it... People close to me understand but everyone else think's im a moody bitch whose life seems too fucked up to ask those three simple words: "Are you ok?".
Someone said to me today that they wish they were normal. I used to think the same but what is normal?! These flaws that we have to live with our part of us and without those imperfections we wouldn't be us.. I suppose you have to embrace it all. Just sometimes it can be too much. Like now. Like how my head hurts.
On a lighter note....
At the weekend i went to Pride with the Mrs. It was really nice to see mine and her friends out together for the first time too.I was completely monged out and was lacking brain cells from the heavy weekend at the end of it so spent a very lazy couple of days with my Mr who looked after me and gave me the comfort i needed x x
Here's a couple of photos from Pride (Excuse the blotches in them due to the fucked up camera used):
Much love,
Asphazia X x
If i could describe to you how it feels... it's like butterflies in your stomach. But not the good butterflies. More like those Mexican Killer Butterflies that bite away at your flesh, trying their best to fly all at once up and out of your mouth but get stuck in your throat. You're on the verge of having that panic attack, suddenly thinking your lungs are about to fail on you....and that feeling of terror that lingers for ages makes you feel like you're on your own to deal with it. And then you cry and you cry and you cry.
That paranoia, the OCD, the death wishes. It's draining. And nearly every time it happens in front of people, i attempt at trying to hide it.
It's fucking horrible.
I know this is just a low point that will pass but i can't seem to push aside how much i want the ground to swallow me up sometimes. It's nothing new. I've had it from the age of 13 but the realization of it coming back like this has really fucked with my head.
I feel awful that people have to deal with my ridiculous moods a lot of the time but i can't help it... People close to me understand but everyone else think's im a moody bitch whose life seems too fucked up to ask those three simple words: "Are you ok?".
Someone said to me today that they wish they were normal. I used to think the same but what is normal?! These flaws that we have to live with our part of us and without those imperfections we wouldn't be us.. I suppose you have to embrace it all. Just sometimes it can be too much. Like now. Like how my head hurts.
On a lighter note....
At the weekend i went to Pride with the Mrs. It was really nice to see mine and her friends out together for the first time too.I was completely monged out and was lacking brain cells from the heavy weekend at the end of it so spent a very lazy couple of days with my Mr who looked after me and gave me the comfort i needed x x
Here's a couple of photos from Pride (Excuse the blotches in them due to the fucked up camera used):
Much love,
Asphazia X x